Freakin' Dogs!!

Ok, I will be the first to admit that I am a huge dog lover. Yes I have even dressed up my little dog a time or two (before I had babies to tend to). I have also mourned the loss of my dogs as if they were members of my immediate family.......
Today is not such a "dog loving" day!!
These furry ass bitches are getting on my last nerve! I have 2 dogs at the moment (Paris-the CHUG which means she is pug/chihuahua mix, and Dixie who is a flop eared fawn boxer. I swear that they are worse than the babies! Ok, let me give you a run down (or typical day/night at my house). First of all Dixie is about 6 months old, she cries about every 3 hours at night to go outside....then she tries to tear the damn door down to get back inside, it sounds like the po-lice beatin on the door!! When we let her in she runs straight for a kid and proceeds to knock them down, or lick them in the face, or pounce directly on the little dog! So with this I have to listen to babies screaming/crying, dogs fighting, and me yelling/cussing.
Then I have to deal with the kids chasing Paris around trying to maul her, then in turn Paris following the kids around taking the food out of their hands, waiting for it to hit the ground, running in the kitchen when a package opens, sitting in front of people while they eat, sniffing and licking the floor constantly searching for crumbs....I swear to you that fat bitch would eat until she exploded! She has no stopping point. Every time my dad comes over here (lives across the street) he feeds her right off his plate, making things worse, then accuses me of not feeding her..... I am like "DAD, have you not seen how fat this bitch is?" and he is like, "well she looks hungry, and her bowl is empty," yes that is because she eats it all as soon as I fill it up....and she gets plenty, probably more than she should, and the fact that she eats everything that hits the floor or gets set down clearly says to me she is NOT STARVING!! I am constantly screaming at that black bitch to get her ass to her bed! Which means, go lay in your basket with the soft pillow and blanket that mommy made for you, and stop hounding everyone about food before you die of a heart attack you morbidly obese motherfucker! (believe me, I am the first to know about weight issues). It has also gotten to the point that Paris refuses to go outside with Dixie because of the constant harrassment. And now the fucking whore has decided to shit in the babies' room up under their beds....then disappear as if I won't know it is her that did it!! Does she honestly believe I will think the baby did it? And every night instead of sleeping in her bed, she lays at the foot of my bed and constantly digs, scratches, likes, sneezes, farts, and makes all kinds of bodity noises to make sure I don't sleep!!! Also, when they go outside together they end up chasing any car that goes down the road (we live in the Country on a gravel lane with 4 houses, but it never fails a car will go by) at this time I stand in the door turning purple trying to get their attention so they do not get their heads ran over! Ok, I know you are all appalled...but Paris never did this before.....we had a trolley system that Dixie ran on--until that piece of shit dug up the cable lines and disconnected it for us (so we have to re-bury before we can hook her back up)......and we have a dog pen but it is only 10x10 and both dogs refuse to shit in it because of the size (guessing). So I usually just open the door and let them out watching to make sure they do their business then come back....sometimes I get distracted. (until I hear crazy barking and look out to find them chasing the cars)
Another issue...Dixie can make the living room look like a tornado hit it (I thought the babies snuck back home from the sitter, ROFL)...I got up, went in there and garbage drug out of the can, the sheets were off the couch (our way of stain resistance), the pillows were in the floor, the toys were scattered all over the room, laundry baskets uprooted, she had peed in three spots????she just went out 30 minutes ago!! She also like to find baby toys and eat them.

Ok, so this is the part of my post where I start feeling bad about saying harsh things about my pets. And I say I LOVE THEM, and we do have special moments too. Like, the fact that Dixie is laying in the bed with me, after she jumped up here when she heard me typing, and the forever faithful Paris is beside the bed loyally waiting for her master to give her a kind word. And even though Dixie is pushing 50 pounds she thinks she is a "lap-dog" and sometimes we let her be. And Paris has never offered to bite a child even though they have tried to kill her (unintentially I'm sure), and she misses them when they are gone and lays beside their toys. I guess me and the dogs have a love/hate relationship just like the babies do with each other.