Friday, February 26, 2010

Sometimes I just don't know what to do.....

I went to do the financial planning for "school" yesterday and found out that for a bachelor's degree, I would end up with $24,000 worth of loans when it was over (but will only take 3 years) me that sounds like a ton of money to pay back....I guess if you have no money, it is hard to imagine ever having any.
What happened to all that "Obama paying for single mother's to go back to school?" I heard the money they had to GIVE away was already gone for this year, and pretty much next year!!

Anyway, I have a problem......The new BF is irresponsible....I feel as though I have to take care of him......and I HATE IT! All he does is give me his paycheck, then I have to make sure the bills are paid, I have to budget, I have to make sure we eat, have a phone, cable, or whatever we need.....He is OBLIVIOUS to how the money is spent.......I have tried to let him deal with his own money, and guess what? He couldn't even remember what he did with it!!  He spent over $100. in 24 hours, but had no idea on what, and had NOTHING to show for it.  And several times he kept his paycheck (around holidays).....and I would be thinking since he was BROKE already, that he must have bought me something really awesome, then I get a $15 necklace....And I am not complaining about what kind of gift I get, that doesn't matter and is not the point........I just need him to be responsible.. If he spends $15. on a gift, he should have the rest of his paycheck in his pocket....and then put it back into the household for the bills/etc....not BLOW IT!! (then not remember on what). I don't want to spend my life looking out for someone else! That is just the type of person I am (typical youngest child)....I am used to looking to someone else for direction.....I don't know how much longer I can take it.......he is good with my kids though, would never hurt me or cheat, would give me his last dollar, would do anything I asked of him........Wonder why I can't just be happy with him? Will it ever be able to work if we both need someone to look after us?? And will I always resent the fact that I have to "take care" of him, when I need someone to take care of me?

Can any of you advise me? I really have no one I can talk to, that will help me make the right decision....Can you tell me if going to school for $24,000 is the right thing to do (is that a normal/good price for and education??)? After I get a bachelor's degree what kind of job will I be able to get?? I am so distraught....The schools shuffle you through like cattle with a tag in your ear.....they don't tell you what your options will be when you graduate, where you will be able to get a job, ETC., seemed like they just wanted to make sure you paid the loans back.........There was no one there I could talk to about carreer options, or the program that would work best for me, etc....

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Just when you think it can't get any worse.....IT DOES!!

Wow, just when I think I have heard/seen it all, Satan has me dumb-founded, yet again!!

As if my life could possibly get any worse, I learn this tiny little tidbit of information that he has been hiding....Wait for it......Get ready.......Here it is............

This M*THER F*CKER has been hopping on a plane and FLYING his sorry ASS to FLORIDA (with the psycho girlfriend) to get DRUGS!! ONCE A MONTH!! Can you say WTF?

This is the same 50 year old farmer who had never been outside the walls of his small town (except for our yearly jaunt to tennessee a few hours away), also the same cheap ass bastard that told me he couldn't give me any money for his kids for Christmas, and the same low life that told me again today, that in month or so he would be filing bankruptcy, or foreclosing on all of OUR assets (yes my name is on everything). I wonder why, you sorry sonofabitch???? He had the nerve to ask me what I was going to do when he couldn't afford to pay his child support!! How the F*CK would I know what me and YOUR children are going to do......starve, live on he side of the road, be without clothes? But you can bet your sweet ass he will have his PILLS!!!!

What a LOSER!! I really am at the end of my rope!! I don't know which way is up anymore!!
Also this week I found out that someone broke in his house and stole all of his drugs (I am guessing it was one of his older kids, or friends of his who knew they were in there), he couldn't call the cops, what would he say? (um, hello, someone broke in and took my feel good pills?). And amidst finding that out, I found out this was the 3rd time this has happened!!!! Wonder how safe my kids are there??

On top of all this, I called social services to report/make a claim......and you are NEVER going to believe what they said.........There is NOTHING they can do about it, UNTIL
A. He does drugs in front of the kids (how could they tell on him at 2 & 3)
B. He doesn't feed them, has no food in the house
C. He physically abuses them (leaves marks, and I PROVE he has done it)

So basically they said, "Keep sending your precious toddlers with the biggest drug addict/dealer in the surrounding 3 counties, when he kills one of them, we will arrest his ass, you have a nice day now, maam!"

Someone out there tell me that the justice system is fair.........anyone..........anyone????????????????

For some reason, I am so HURT by this! not that this is by far the worst thing he has done to us.....but coming from a man that was locked inside his own world, and hated anything about leaving the comforts of his town, trying anything new, or doing anything with his family....EVER, it is just so unexpected, and it also confirms my suspicion about "how far gone" he really is, and how he is taking the fastest train he can to his own GRAVE!!

Didn't take the lousy job.....

The lady with the job said they could not pay more than $9. for the receptionist job (as I have heard people say before, you get what you pay for, so good luck to them!!)....

I was a little upset, because I do want a job, or some kind of control over my life, but obviously, this wasn't right for me.

Upon further analysis of finances, etc., I discovered that it would have COST me money to work there! After paying a babysitter, gas money for travelling, lunch money, etc..., I would have been in the HOLE big time!! I would be about $300-$400 a month behind where I am currently!!

So thanks friends for the good advice!!
Tomorrow I go for finacial planning for school. I am going for a bachelor's degree in Business Administrative Management, and I should be above entry level at that time (close to midpoint), so I can make some decent money!!

But, here is to hoping all goes well, and being a single mother will finally pay off, and I will be able to get an education fairly cheap, if not I won't be able to go to school....I could never pay back $40,000 worth of loans.....

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Job offer, but not very good pay, what should I do?

Well, I have been wanting a job for some time now.......and today I might have found one......Here is where the "But" comes in....

The pay sucks!! It starts at $9. an hour!! When I worked before I made $20. (which was good considering I had no college education). Granted I know it is hard to find a job these days (I have looked), but, would it be worth it?

The advantages would be:
1. I would be getting out of the house
2. Adult stimulation
3. my very own income
4. Feel better about myself

The disadvantages:
After losing what little bit of money I get from the EX, and other benefits, I would only be gaining about $50. a month!! And I would lose the medical coverage I currently have (for the babies, not myself), and we all know how much it costs to go to the doctor these days without some form of insurance, and my kids have been sick a lot lately, going at least once/twice monthly, which would now come out of my pocket, and add more expenses to the ones I can't pay as it is.
Also if I give up the money I am getting from EX now, I can never get it back, so if the job goes, I am back at square one, with no way to support my babies.

Would it be worth getting a job, if I make just as much staying home with my children? Should I hold out and wait on a better offer? Should I continue to persue the "higher education" route, finish my degree, then be able to get a better job??

I am so confused.....something I have wanted so bad comes along, and I feel bad about either decision I make!

I did reply to the company and tell them I was interested, but since I had tons of experience I felt as though I was worth more than the $9. an hour, and I asked if they paid more based on experience. It is up to them now, I am hoping they will offer me something good, and I can accept the job and be a working mother agian!!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I want a BLACKBERRY....

I am so addicted to blogging and facebook, I have decided that I want to get a blackberry....My computer is so slow, most of the time, I can't even open my email, and that SUCKS!

If I had a blackberry, I would be able to set it up where I could correspond via email with my comments, both on this site, and for the updates on facebook, and that has to be GREAT!

Also, my current cell phone carrier's prices are outrageous, to the point where we can not even afford to have text or data. There is another company I am looking at that has a $60. a month, unlimited use talk, text, and data with the blackberry, and that would be SWEET! It would also be cheaper than what I am currently paying, for just talk (and only 750 daytime minutes, but free mobile to mobile). 

Here is to hoping for better phone/data services to come......and easier access to my favorite things!
It might be a month or two before it happens, but it is on the horizon!!!

Do any of you have a blackberry, or use your cell phone for keeping up with the internet? Is it as great as I hope it will be?

Friday, February 19, 2010

My friends house STINKS.....BAD

The other day we went to my friends house. As I walked through her door it hit me. The sickest, most offensive odor I have ever encountered. I am appalled at her current living conditions.

I came to the conclusion that it had to be from all the animals she has.....a turtle, 6 dogs, and a cat.....ALL IN HER HOME! I overheard her chatting with her teenaged daughter about one of her dogs pooping in the floor in the other room (thankfully I did not have to witness this), I also caught wind (no pun intended) of the fact that her cat refuses to use the litterbox, and I noticed that the cat and one of the dogs I saw looked "mangey," it was like they had an awful skin/hair condition, but who knows?

The other day she said that someone from the state dept. came to visit her, and told her that neighbors were complaining because her yard STUNK...OMG, imagine if they went inside the house, or maybe the smell they smell is from inside the house, since as far as I know, all of the animals use the hardwoods for a bathroom! I would never let my children live in such squallid conditions, what is she thinking? She has a 4 year old son and a 19 year old daughter.

And the worst part.......she is RENTING this house! Can you imagine what the owner would think?

Anystink, I think next time I will invite her to my place instead..............

Friday, February 12, 2010

Retail Therapy

Well first of all, I want to shout out to all the blogs I follow, you guys ROCK!
You will never know how inspiring you have been in my life, at such a rough time.
Your posts keep me going and let me know that there is hope, also that other people struggle with their children too and don't know all the right answers either (so I shouldn't feel so bad about choices I make with mine, LOL), and some of you even made me realize that there are second chances at happieness.......And that what I am going through is not the end of the world, it will get better, and some of you just plain crack me up and take my mind off of everything bad......Starting this blog, and following all of you has helped me tremendously!!! So THANKS!

Anyway, I did a little retail therapy today....
I happened to stop and "browse" the shoe store (OOPS)....then I walked out with 4 pairs of shoes.....I only spent $47. so I am not too upset with myself, besides everyone needs some new stuff every once in a while, right?
It also helped that the shoes were buy one, get one half I got some really awesome high heel peep toes for $4 which is GREAT!
I always feel so good after I buy myself something new.....I feel so confident when I have something nice adorning my feet!!

The babies loved their new playroom.....let's see how long it takes them to tear it up.......I am betting one night when we are home for more than a couple of hours and it will be destroyed....but at least I can always straighten it back up.....It is so pretty though, I want to keep everything in it's place....YEAH RIGHT!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Project day.....

Ok, first of all, I fixed the comment now people can comment with out that nasty word verification box....Yes I hate it too, and didn't realize it was even active on my blog...

Anyway, I am embarking on a new project lately. First of all, I am seriously purging all of the JUNK in the JUNK ROOM. Yes, I have a junk room (embarrassed face here)....

When I was forced to move from my marital home (Satan's lawyer sent me a nasty letter saying I should get out within 3 months--mighty nice of her, seeing as I had a 14 month old and a 2 year old, no job, no money, no where to go), I had to get anything I wanted to keep out of there or it would be lost forever. So I packed up all that I could.....and still I had to leave a few truck loads behind......which sucks, but I look at it this way, if I don't miss it now, I never will, and at least I got all of the "good stuff" out of there.....Or things I couldn't live without like babies, pictures, baby bed, my bed, etc...... I figured he could shove the rest (up his A$$ sideways!!).

My point is.....I had tons of stuff, and now nowhere to put it.....we had a big house, that was full of all my goodies.... And now that I was on the streets I had to rent a storage building (the biggest one they had jammed packed--stuff would fall out when I opened the door)... Then when we rented a place, all that stuff didn't have a place here in this much smaller home.... So I had to shove it in a 3rd bedroom, and my babies shared a room anyway, so it wasn't a problem, until now. They need a playroom, their toys have taken over my house, and there is no way to keep it clean. So my solution? Making them a room to go crazy in, and where if I don't feel like picking up the toys every 5 minutes, guess what? I can close the door! (hoping)

I have started the "going through everything phase." It is a slow and painful process. First I got rid of all of my baby things that my kids are too big for (swings, exersaucers, bumbo chairs, high chairs, etc.), that in itself was painful! My babies are growing up for one, and for two there will be no more to come. Sad.....ok, maybe not too sad, I am over all that! I did keep enough baby clothes to hopefully one day make a quilt, sound neat? I thought so.... Now I am on to papers, books, bags, boxes of crap, and the little things you don't even realize you have until you dig in it. It is hard work, but I am on top of it (ok maybe beside it)(ok, maybe under it).....

I am feeling positive about myself for doing this, I am letting go, of my past, of the marriage, of the things I clung to from my old life. I think it is a step in the right direction, and will do me a world of good! Like the song......Oh letting go, There's nothing in the way now, Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly, And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting, It's never easy letting go.

I made some rain gutter bookshelves for their books, and I am excited about putting all their stuff in there and they are too!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Hello, my name is Gayle, and I am a smoker.......

Hello, my name is Gayle, and I am a smoker.......

OMG, I can't believe I actually admitted that! Wow, I can hear jaws dropping and heads shaking....

I already know that smoking is disgusting.......I am just not yet ready to give it up. I know, I am weak!!! But times are rough. Ok, so that is my excuse anyway.

The worst part about this whole scene is;

1. I never smoked either time I was pregnant (basically 2 years straight)
2. Before I ever got pregnant I had quit for 3 years already

So basically, I had this bad habit under control, then I let it creep back into my life!

It started innocently enough......I would see people I knew smoking and bum one from time to time......then I bought a pack.....but it lasted me for days, even over a week......then it got to be more and more, and so, here I am a full blown nasty a$$ smoker, AGAIN!! Reaching an alarming rate of a pack a day, sometimes more.

I blamed my divorce, I blamed the stress, I blamed my life.......but it is my fault!

I didn't have to smoke just because my life as I knew it was ending, and I didn't know how to cope......and since the EX (Satan) always hated when I smoked I thought, hey now he can't tell me what to do, give me a cig!!! Only, I wasn't hurting him, I was hurting me.

I never would smoke in my house....EVER.....I even made others go outside (much to their dismay--rude a$$ smokers I thought) I am guilty of even doing that myself!

It is almost like I don't care about anything anymore.....this divorce has sucked the life out of me, and I just let myself go to pot (ok, not really to POT, but you know what I mean). I feel helpless and void of emotion (most of the time), and I can't seem to get ME back. It is like I can not validate myself without a the husband, or house, or life I used to live, and things I used to have, things I used to do as a happily married woman?????????? WHY? I know I am better off now, without that jacka$$ screwing me over daily, but I long for my life back. Is this normal? To feel this way, when I know it is not really what I want......It is like the familiarity of the old life feels safe and comfortable, and the unknown of this new life leaves me afraid and empty. I can't find my way.

I let Satan (ex) continue to mess with my emotions.....I agreed to drop the kids off at his house on Sunday (big mistake).....And I even allowed myself to think that maybe he would be happy to have his whole family back together (me, him, OUR children)......and it went ok for about an hour. I sat on the couch with my kids because they cried every time I tried to leave (and this rips my heart out)......I wonder if really they are afraid of him, or have seen something I don't know about? Ok, now the good part.... Satan's son called...... He called to warn his father that his girlfriend (LB=Lying Bitch) was on her way....... So Satan hung up the phone, pointed at me and said GET OUT, you have to leave because she is on her way.....and don't go THAT way, go the other way so she won't see you. So, I left. For a minute I pondered, I thought about camping out there until she arrived. But then I thought, for what? There is nothing left here for me except my children, and I will see them tomorrow!!!! So Satan's tragedy was averted, but it left me with an even heavier heart, and a wish that I could just stop loving this man, who blatantly hates me!!! He won't commit to me, but he won't commit to be without me either.....I am his fallback girl...and I need to STOP THE INSANITY!

I am better than this!
I am better than this!
I am better than this!

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Good, the Bad, and the UGLY......

I found some pictures I wanted to share.........

The top picture is of my newest love interest, the devoted BF........What a catch.....He is 34.
After a year of knowing this man, I have nothing bad to say.....he tries his best at whatever he does, he hands over his paycheck weekly, he LOVES my babies (maybe as much as he loves me), and he puts up with my SH*T (read: making me spaghettio's at midnight) with a SMILE!
Who wouldn't want to be with him?
P.S. look at those big guns he is sporting, WOW!

The bottom picture is of SATAN (boo--hiss) Since I talk about him all the time and what a jerk he is, I wanted to put a picture with the face (the same face I used to adore....funny how when you love someone, no matter what they look like, they become the most handsome man you have ever seen, no?)........GAG, PUKE, MOAN, and SCREAM!!
P.S. I told you he was 100 didn't I? Well he is 50 and I am 30, WTF?
P.P.S. Somehow this evil f*cker has women falling all over him (myself included at one point in my life), and I can't understand WHY? Remember he cheated on me several times with more than 1 woman, all of which were way younger than him (but slightly older than me). Does money really make a man that more appealling, no matter what he looks like? Can a little bit of charm and an ear full of "bull sh*t" cause all women to just keel over? Do women really like the "bad boy" image that much, do we really want to tame them just to see if we can?
ANYWAY, this was just a little insight on the men in my life; past, present, and maybe future for the new guy (finger's crossed).....
By the way, that is my baby girl that Satan is holding....for some reason that child thinks he hung the moon.... I am thinking he should HOWL at it! One day she will figure him out! maybe?