Saturday, January 30, 2010

Let's talk about sex bay-bee......

Let's talk about sex bay-bee, let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, let's talk aBOUUUT sex.......

Ok, I know, enough of the salt n pepa song lyrics, LMAO!!! Do any of you remember this song circa 1991? It was the group's biggest hit, and was later re-written into "let's talk about aids" in order to recognize the growing new epidemic in the United States. Among other hits were "push it," and "Shoop" which reached number four on the pop charts, "Whatta Man," a duet with the vocal group En Vogue, reached number three on both the pop and R&B charts in 1994. A final single from the group was, "None of Your Business." It was a lesser hit, but it won the Grammy for Best Rap Performance in 1995. Since the release of the last album, Very Necessary, Salt-n-Pepa have been quiet, spending some time on beginning acting careers.

Anyway, what can I say besides......those crazy and up-beat rap songs still stick out in my brain from time to time. But this is not the point of this post, there is a bigger issue at hand.......and if you are faint at heart or pure as the driven snow, you may not want to read on (REALLY)..

I am frustrated......sexually. It is not that I don't get it, I just don't particularly enjoy it....
And yes I am cringing as I write this out cause

#1 it is kind of personal......
#2 BF would probably be very offended or even hurt.....
#3 I wonder what people will think of me for telling this to the world???

But I will continue with it because it is on mind, and it is a very serious issue for me. This blog should be a place that I can vent, get ideas, share experiences (good or bad), and get advice from others........AND SO IT WILL BE! Or at least I hope anyway.

I used to L-O-V-E sex, I mean really, really love to do it...... Now not so much.... Sometimes I just do it to pass the time, or to make BF happy....... but my mind wanders to other places even during the act. WTF? What happened to me? Actually I am pretty sure I have it figured out myself.......

I will not open myself up to "love" yet, and in turn that makes it hard for me to enjoy, or get into sex like I did with the (ex) husband. I think a lot of your sexual experiences depend on how you feel about the person you do it with..... (not that I don't love BF, I just feel like I hold back a lot, after being hurt so much).
The new BF doesn't "get me there," you know, with the big O...... And I just get all depressed thinking..... If I stay with him, will it always be this way for me? Will I live in misery because I am not "satisfied" in that way? Or is it just a "mechanical" problem that will straighten out over time when we know each other better, are more comfortable, and when my feelings are stronger???

For the sake of sparing BF's feelings.....I need to say that he is great, but he doesn't have much experience with women.....He is one of those "rare finds" that respects women, and will not just jump into bed for a one night stand, so therefore he spent much of his life alone.....I jokingly say he was "WAITING FOR ME!" And NO he is not ugly, ROFL, he just always thought love would find him one day when the time was right, and guess what, it did! But that is another story, today I am wondering WTF I am going to do because of his choice to be celibate and not get more than a few (ok maybe 4) notches under his belt before me, LMAO!!!!!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

On the to speak

It is time for me to get off the sidelines and into the game. I have been reading all these posts about people losing weight, working out, and gettin' HEALTHY! By the way, YOU GO GIRLS!!!

Anyway, now it is my turn to join in.....

I don't need to lose any weight, for once in my life I am happy about that number, but this comes after already losing 221 pounds (the highest amount I lost was 231-but I started to look like I had been hitting the crack pipe, ROFL). My top weight was 369 pounds, and yes I cringe when I write it.
I was always the "fat kid." I was teased and tormented all through school and outside of school, and basically everywhere for that matter. I was ashamed to be in my own skin, I hated myself. There were years that I kept my head down not being able to look in their eyes, being embarrassed, and physically shutting down (having panic attacks). I couldn't take the hurt anymore, I could see the disgust on their face when they saw me. It really was horrible, and I get a stabbing pain in my gut while I type this........a pain that I thought was long gone....

Funny, I can still feel all that pain, and it makes me sad.....even though I am a new woman now. I am a butterfly that emerged from the cocoon that held an old dumpy caterpillar.....I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am finally comfortable with the way I look.

Remember when we are little and we blow out our birthday candles and get a wish? Wanna know what I wished for year after year? To lose weight. I would also pray to God to help me lose weight, throw pennies in a wishing well, shooting stars, rainbows, any wish making occasion..... you can bet that is what I begged for! Then one day my wish came true:) So here I am.
I now weigh a lovely 148 pounds, which may be heavy for some people, but is perfect for my large frame. And considering I weighed 160 in the third grade, this is a number (148) I haven't seen in a LONG TIME, but I have been here for 2 years. I went from Super Morbidly Obese, to Morbidly Obese, to Obese, then overweight, and finally normal..... But like I said, here I am, I made it.

There are still things I would like to revise though.....

1. I have bad eating habits.... I want to learn to stay away from SUGAR (yikes, that is scary)
2. I drink pop...... yes it is diet, but still not good for me at all
3. I am vitamin deficient.... I need to take vitamins for life, but usually forget daily
4. I get no kind of exercise.... I got so weak after the weight loss, I gave up, but I would like to find an activity I could do to help me rebuild some strength, and regain some energy
5. I don't drink enough water......I am usually nearly dehydrated at any given time, and have had to have I.V. drips to replenish my body, which actually makes me feel so good I wish I had one now, ROFL........and it was just saline (water) coursing through my veins, not heroine, but man that sh*t felt good. AHHHHHHHH!

Anywho, these are some things I am going to work on.....I am hoping I will start to feel better, get more energy and less sugar crashes, caffeine crashes, carb crashes! Wish me luck..... I wish you all luck every time I read your posts!! I know how you feel......

Monday, January 25, 2010

It's been a while....

I know I haven't posted in a long time.....over a week actually, but I have been sick. I did however read everyone else's posts every day, I just didn't have it in me to post anything.....I hate that everything I have to say is always a DRAG, and nothing feels good or right in my life!!
I was feeling the better for a while though when I went over 2 weeks without speaking to the King of the underworld, aka Satan. I felt liberated, positive, and even happy with the new bf.... Then one day like I knew would happen, my family flaked out on me, and I had to face him and drop the babies off, and that is all it make my world crumble again, and again, and again! And then the depression starts back up, and I just go through the motions of this life, and just try to get through it, instead of actually participating in it, which I hate myself for!!
I am hoping to get to the point one day where I don't love or hate him, I feel nothing at all. And when I get there I will rejoice!

I went to sign up for school last week.... I am hoping that I can get some grants so I can actually go.... if not I will never be able to afford it, and I don't want to be in debt $40-50 K for an education at this point of my life. I have to go talk to the "financial advisors" tomorrow at 10, so I am hoping for good news where they tell me I can go for free (well maybe not free, but close to that would be nice). I have a few credits from where I went to this same school before about 10 years ago, so I will be able to apply those which will shorten my time:)

Friday, January 15, 2010

Flashback Friday, one year tomorrow!!

Since all this crazy sh*t has been going on lately I thought I would take a break from the madness before I end up kicking one of my kids in the face....punching the bf in the neck....or gagging myself with a pitchfork!!!!

One year ago tomorrow is when I met my current BF. Funny how it happened, I met him in the WalMart parking let. Yep, sure did. There were several circumstances that happened that caused us to meet, so maybe it was meant to be.....

First of all, the back story.... I had heard of this guy (BF) from my husband several times... He had dated the local hairdresser of the town, & while he was dating husband was too!! I had asked my husband several times when I caught him eating lunch with the HDW (hair dressing whore) who she was seeing (cause supposedly it was innocent and they were just friends cause she had a husband, and a boyfriend, I know, OMG), he would say....some boy that drives a white truck with a company name on the side. Anyway, long story short, the HDW went back to her husband....I found out my husband was messing with her........but we tried to work it out......and I found out she had just used the guy in the white truck to make her husband jealous and used him for all she could.... So I always figured he was probably a good guy, just mixed up with the wrong woman!! And he is no "boy" he is 34 years old!

Fast forward 8 months.

I had found out in December that husband was now screwing the clerk at the gas station!! We went through a lot of drama....then he finally left the house. In January I was to the point that I was depressed, lonely, feeling ugly, not eating, not sleeping, etc.... One day I decided to get dressed up, put make-up on, and get out of the damn house! Even if it was only to go get groceries..... So I did.
I went in WalMart and did some serious shopping, since I had been in a funk for a month, so I was out of everything and needed to re-fill the cabinets.
I got to the cash register and I had forgotten my check-book in the truck, I had to run outside to get it, while I was retrieving the check-book, a big white truck pulled up and parked diagonally to my truck (with the company logo that my husband had talked about). So I was like, OMG....that is HDW's BF, wouldn't it be funny if I dated him to p*ss off hubs and HDW?? So you know, I had already plotted this out in my head in case I ever ran into him.....funny how sh*t just happens!! All I could do is stare....I had never seen this "boy" as my husband called him before, so I wanted a closer look....But damn, the groceries, and the big line behind me!! I had to get back in the while I looked backwards the whole time and almost ran into a Jeep, I went back in. I loaded my $300. worth of groceries (was for a week back then, not a month like it is now, LOL), and I went back outside in the freezing cold and tried to put all that crap in the back of my SUV, believe me, it took a while!
So when I got done and got in with the heat blazing, I noticed that the guy had came out of WalMart also (with 1 bag of dog food, LOL).... So I sat there frozen (ok, only for a second....then I decided to put on some more lipstick, OMG, ROFL, I had never ever tried to be coy like I was attempting at this point, and I don't know WTF I was thinking anyway.... but it paid off). I sat there long enough that the dude went back inside the store, BINGO, here was my chance to leave a note on his truck.... I know, you are wondering why I didn't just go talk to him.... Well I am painfully shy, and can't handle rejection.... So I wrote a note as quick as I could....tiptoed over to his truck, lifted up the wiper, slid the note in......then ranasfastasIcouldjumpedinmySUVandflewoutoftheparkinglot!!! (yes I ran all those words together cause it all happened so freakin' fast!) I was scared, nervous, and didn't want to get busted when he came outside. But I can tell you I wasn't out of the parking lot before he was calling me:) We talked for a while, I ASKED HIM OUT, and he said yes how about tomorrow, and that was that!! We went out the next night......and I can tell you, there has not been one day that we haven't seen each other since then!!! And yes it p*ssed off both my husband and the HDW, she still to this day makes a scene every time she sees him (because she is all about drama!). And my husband calls him Cowboy...which I think is a cute little nick-name!!

So I want to give a big THANKYOU to my BF, who came into my life and gave me the strength to move out of my house, helped me with 2 crying babies who wouldn't sleep when we moved them out of there home, supported us when we had nothing, changes diapers, wipes snotty noses, puts them to bed with me at night, reads stories, gives hugs and kisses, takes abuse, and gives us all he has cause he says that is what real men do!!! I really do love this man..... I wish I had met him at another point in my life.... Where I was less jaded, less hurt, less emotional, so I could have given him all that I have to give. But he takes what I can give, and he is ok with it. Maybe one day I can love him with all of me...... If not I hope that I find that true love again, love that makes time stop and stand still, takes my breath away, causes my heart to skip a beat.....

Can a person love again after being hurt, or will you always hold part of yourself back??

Thursday, January 14, 2010

On a lighter note....& brief update.....

Ok, so it was eerily quiet here today, no phone calls, no nothing. So things are seemingly going good (but I can't help but think something is being plotted for a "sneak attack"). I got more details about when my sister dropped off the kids.... Satan jumped up in my bro.-in-laws face (claiming he thought it was my BF--but I think it was part of his show)....Then he proceeds to tell them that he has all of BF's contact phone numbers because Bubby had his old phone with him last time (the one we gave him to play with--but his dumb ass daddy put a new battery in so he could steal phone numbers out of). And ofcourse I didn't get my child support....that should make me call him right? Well is what he is thinking....
Anyway thanks to all of you for the comments....
I have moved, I live almost an hour away from Satan so when he comes here he will be in "my territory" and the law doesn't know him 'round these parts (also Mom & Dad live directly across the street so they are within earshot case he tries anything--which honestly I don't think he will any where besides his hometown). But this is all I am talking about his dumb ass for now...LOL, he takes up enough of my life.....

I have been reading people's posts and several of them have been doing a writer's workshop where they are answering 1 or more of these fun questions from Mama Kat's Workshop

The Prompts:

1.) Time for your tangent…what is your latest complaint?

2.) If you could have given yourself a snapshot five years ago of what your life is like now, what would the picture be of and how do you think you would have felt about it?

3.) What’s in YOUR name? What does it mean? Why was it given to you? etc..

4.) Write a letter to the first person who ever broke your heart.

5.) Welcome to the most shocking rose ceremony in writing prompt history. Please award roses to the ten people (or items) in your life that you’d like to continue pursuing a relationship with.

I picked number 3......what is your name, what does it mean, why was it given to you, etc?

My name is Gayle..... It means jovial or happy. My dad picked my name..... It is kind of neat actually, he and mom had been visiting one of his cousin's in another state. Mom was introduced to the cousin's wife....Gayle. They always told me how nice this lady was, and how her husband (dad's cousin) was mean to her, don't know much else except before I was born Gayle was diagnosed with cancer. So dad asked my mom if they could name me Gayle, and here I am. Sadly she died not long after I was born, but always said what a beautiful baby I was (must have taken after my name sake). And every time I have ever seen Dad's cousin.....he always muses about me being named after his late wife, and he introducted me to his son as.....this is Gayle she was named after your mother. So that is how I got the name. They spelled my name the same as hers.....which is really the way men spell it when they have the name, this is why most times people spell my name Gail, the female version, even though I tell them different. Also all throughout school when we had substitute teachers they would mis-pronounce my name as GAY-LA LOL.....

OMG.....I knew it was too quiet.....while writing this post, we just got a call from BF's mother, seems as though "someone" called her (it is 10:30 at night) and made up some big story saying his work needs him...... GUESS WHO???? Satan strikes again!!! Anyone at BF's work would have called him direct! Here we go, round 1. Can't wait to see what is next. Why can't this 50 year old man GROW UP?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

What am I gonna do? PLEASE HELP ME!!

Ok, Satan is not stopping..... He is getting more and more pissed with each passing moment! Should I dare say that I am "afraid" of what he will do next? I don't know how to explain it.....but when this man doesn't get his way, you better clear a wide path. I am unsure what all he is capable, and that frightens me.... Everyone else thinks his crazy rants, and weird threats are funny.....I don't. I have faced him and his lawyer in court....they are evil and they are mean, and may I even dare say very convincing? So much so as to making the judge believe I was a drug addict (never!!), and a bad mother, and a liar! I swear to the higher powers that be, that these people chewed me up and spit me out......While I stood there with my mouth hanging open, and my lawyer glared at me (as if to say....why didn't you tell me all this--well you jacka$$ I didn't know it myself until this very minute!!). So when people tell me to "make him do this," or "don't let him do that," I don't see that I have any other choice. What am I supposed to do? This man has the law in his pocket (they let him drink and drive on a daily basis, pull him over, then let him go--DRUNK), his mother works for city hall in conjunction with the police, and they have all know each other for years? WTF can I do? He is one of the "good ole' boys," no one can touch him!! Sad part is....I have to send my babies with this loser 2 days a week (NEVER ON A WEEKEND MIND YOU, the judge said we had to work around "Dad's schedule," which meant they didn't give a good shit whether or not Mom got a weekend break....WTF?), well if he choses to see them on his day. And I am not lying when I say he has been raging drunk before when I went to drop them off.....I called the police.......police came.....talked to him.......told me he was fine, let them go.......then he asked them if I called them to be there (OMG)......thankfully they said no, so I lived another day after that!!
What if he wrecks and kills one of my precious babies? How can I stop this madness?

So you know I have been having different people drop the kids off with him right? Well yesterday at 5:30 he starts calling me (drop off is at 6), I don't answer, BF gets home, I let him answer my phone (for the first time ever)....He tells Satan the kids will be there at 6(as usual). Satan hangs up on him. My sister pulls up with the kids......I get a phone call, apparently Satan has went into the police station (remember this is his home town....and these are all his buddies) at the drop off spot (which I am shocked there are even any police there, never there when I needed one) he is in there making up this big story about BF. Saying (swear) that he is going to kick my bf's a$$ when he gets there with his children, because BF smarted off to him on the phone (which never even happened, BF is the timid, get along with everyone type), meanwhile BF is not even dropping the kids off!
How can I compete with this? His lies? His stories? All the things he does to get back at me (every time I ever try to NOT speak to him, or ignore him and move on)...... I have tried an EPO (was dismissed).... Any time I have ever called the police on him.....when I go to get a doesn't exist.....only his report is there, telling a "story" of how I have wronged him..... Once I called about him RAMMING MY SUV WITH THE KIDS IN IT, guess what? It was never reported..... He said to the police, "I bought it, I will ram it if I want to" and they laughed at him....
Would it do any good to write an anonymous letter to his county's district attorney....saying I am writing this letter because I know of officers letting him drive drunk, and if/when my kids are hurt in a crash I will hold them responsible??? Or do you think this will fall on deaf ears too? Do you think it will come back to haunt me?

P.S. His past record has been "esponged" so I can not prove he has ever done anything criminal in his life!!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Same Crap, different day....

Ok, I won't bore you with a long post about Satan, but I will scratch the surface.... Him and LB called the babysitter today to also tell her what a bad mother I am and about the diaper rash I wrote about yesterday... She (babysitter or BS) said "I just agreed with them." Really? Did you just have to agree with them? When you know they are both pieces of shit and they do whatever they can to drag me through the mud, really? BITCH! Sorry, I am so fed up with his antics and non-stop harassment I receive if I don't conform to his society and do as he says. (which means roll over and lick his ass on command!!). He is SO mad because I will not stoop to his level and respond to his messages, (so now he starts with the calls to other people--which is predictable), and I will not fight with him or even look at him (since he thinks he is a STUD, my not wanting to look at him will be a crushing blow to his ego)!
Now on another note.....I finally went to the grocery store. We were out of everything! I needed to go a week ago, but I had to wait on the food-stamps to come in! Yep I said it, I GET FOOD STAMPS!! For those of you that may not know what they are... it is a government assistant program that allows you to buy food for yourself and your children. Believe me, I get shamed enough at the stores when I pull out my card.... People stare, make faces, comments, judgements, and sigh real loud when they are behind me in line!! And if you think it can never happen to you.....don't be so sure. Last year I lived in a $450,000 home, had 180 acres of land at our place, and a second home with 120 acres of land a mile down the road... Along with close to $1,000,000 worth of total assets, and money to burn! I had it all at my disposal.... Until the husband threw us out, and kept it all for himself! The divorce is still "pending" so no one really cares whether or not my kids are fed, except me. And since the old man (Satan) is a farmer, he can make up whatever income he wants to for tax purposes, and screw me out of getting a dime! And of course he has the money to pay the lawyers to keep it ALL! Funny how the law works in favor of the rich, and could care less about the poor, huh? My argument.....if you say you make $23,000 a year, how can you afford such luxuries? I didn't realize that farmers can deduct almost everything you can not have to pay the IRS......which in turn makes for a "messy" and unfair divorce. Satan has hid so much of his money in his son's name, father's name, and everyone else, that he looks like he is living on poverty level. I DIGRESS! I was talking about groceries, LOL.
So my cabinets are full now. I hate going to the damn store... People are so rude, they damn near knock you down to get around of ahead of you, step in front of you to snatch things, and park their cart in front of whatever you are looking at..... and of course, no one ever says I am sorry, pardon me, excuse me, or even "my bad"! So, that makes me limit my trips to the store to once a month. I get everything we will need and get the f*ck out of there! We usually do really good, until the last week, then we run pretty low (but still have some things in the cabinet to eat if we have to). The main things we miss are the snacks, chips, and drinks.....But we always seem to make it until "pay day," LOL. And you know, it is pretty hard living a whole month feeding 3 people (not counting BF when he is here) with $284. which is supposed to last 30/31 days. But we eat cheap, and stretch it out all we can. And I don't give my kids bad food either (except on occassion), I make meals almost every night, and we have homeade soup, and chili, and spaghetti, and baked chicken....all the good stuff. I refuse to allow my kids to drink soda, or anything with sugar or caffeine, they only drink sugar free juice or water (that is an entire different post though, LOL), oh yeah, I don't buy them candy either (although Nana makes sure she sneaks it in every chance she gets!).
I have applied to a few jobs.... I pray that someone will hire me soon. I hate being at the mercy of Satan. I wish I had never quit the great job I had just because HE told me too! I knew better, but I wanted to save my marriage, obviously he didn't! And he planned all along to leave us with nothing... or take my options away so I couldn't leave. I showed him! Or did he show me? I am the one raising the kids on welfare, and doing without the "wants" and sometimes even the "needs" and living with the "have to haves," while he is living in the fancy house with his gf and her 2 kids, and eating out, wasting money on drugs & booze, and wearing new clothes every time I see him/her/her kids!! WHATEVER, he can ROT IN HELL!!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Here we go again!!

I am SO f*cking tired of Satan and LB (lying BITCH) who will not leave me alone!
Really, they are doing every thing they can to set me off, but guess what I am not falling for it. I do not have any more to say (and guess what? that makes them worse and they try even harder!) It started back up yesterday when I got a message from the devil himself saying what a great mother LB is and how my kids just love her and my son goes around the house looking for her (so, who gives a f*ck if he does?). But the fact is, I know my kids are not impressed with her because of the fact when they saw her on Wednesday they wouldn't even look at her when she spoke to them (that's right, they turned their little heads away and got in the vehicle with my BF and didn't give this bitch the time of day), LMAO, and she knows it. Granted, I do not teach my children to disrespect or not like anyone (for their own sake), but they have figured it out on their own... If she paid any attention to them at all on their visit, my daughter (Ms. DRAMA) would be squalling after her to go with her, but she doesn't! And my son loves my BF more than anyone in this world, and has ran to his arms while his so called Daddy was calling for him (which I thought served his old ass right for abandoning him, and letting another man raise him!!! Good for you Bubby!!). Anyway.....LB is not much of a mother....don't know how much I want to get into but....first of all her oldest son was taken away 3 times "failure to thrive" and the fact that she didn't feed him, her daughter is 11 and other son is 5 and she leaves them home alone. We even busted her once and know she did this....cause guess where she was? At the bottom of my driveway calling me obscenities while I was moving out of our "marital home" video taping me with my camera (to document all of MY STUFF that I removed from MY HOUSE)...and the police were sitting at her house with her children and NO MOTHER in sight!! They had to call her EX to come get them. (but of course nothing ever came of it, and she still has them--I swear some people can get away with murder!!)... And on New Year's Eve, she left the 5 year old boy at home with Satan....the whole time Satan was on the phone with me....talking incoherently, and telling the boy to go lay down.... OMG who does that? SHE DOES!! Anyway, I am so sick and tired of them attacking me.....they just do it because every thing I tell them is the truth, so they are forced to attack me with lies, hurt, and evilness (cause they don't have anything else). And they know my children are the only way to get to me. But I am still not going to play into the game.....I will not answer my phone, I had my sister drop them off today, and I let BF listen to my messages so I don't even have to hear his voice! This is the only way!!
Anyway, the other message I got was about my son's a$$!! Yes he has a horrible rash in the crack of his a$$ I agree. But it is not my fault.... When he was at my mom/dad's house the other day they gave him POP...... I do not allow my kids to have Pop, so when they drink it they get a violent rash and are sore for a week. That is why people should listen to me and not give my babies things I tell them not to.....cause I know what will happen.. It is not cute, or funny, or a stab at me when you do, it only hurts them.... I DIGRESS!
So I get this nasty message from him saying... if I was getting too "ornery" to change my son's diaper, that he would just KEEP him, and let him live with him, and he expected an explanation about the kid's a$$ immediately.... OMG, OMG, OMG! I will die before I let that happen. Granted he only said this because he is mad that he didn't get to see me today (my sister dropped them off), and I will not cave and call him and fight with him and her, cause he would never take those two babies on to raise!! So I am trying to be the bigger person here, keep my mouth shut, and move on with my life. But damn he makes it hard. I want to call and give his old, ugly, fat a$$ a good old fashioned cussin' (as my beloved Mamaw would say.....may she R.I.P.), but that only feeds him....he enjoys it, he likes it when he thinks I give a shit what he says or does to me, and he thinks he is a STUD thinking I want him, and I will fight for him. I won't give him the satisfaction any more!
And, the last thing he did was......he got LB to make out my child support check. And? Is that all you can come up with you sick bastard? Ok, Ok, that used to bother me.....Now I couldn't care less if f*cking Daffy Duck wrote it, as long as the bank cashes it for me!!! He told my sister when he handed her the check "tell her good luck getting it cashed," what a f*cking DOUCHE BAG!

I miss my babies....this is the first time they have been with him in about 2 weeks (guess he could finally pencil them in). I hope they are ok, and that they are not afraid or feeling out of place with those strangers. My heart hurts for them, I wish they didn't have to go. It has to be chaos there, and they don't even have a room (Satan gave it to LB's kid), and their toys are in a closet---yep they have to play in the freakin' closet people!!!!

P.S.... My baby girl did the cutest thing yesterday.....she got the "Mommy" doll out of the dollhouse and brought it to me with the little girl baby. She said "make the Mommy hold the baby," so I did.....then she brought them back and make me fix them in the same position 50 times.
P.P.S...My baby boy did the cutest thing yesterday....after they finished their donuts I told them to put the bowls in the sink. Little Bubby (while rubbing my arm) stuck his bottom lip out and said "Mommy, preav get me more food." I thought I would croak!! It was adorable, but kind of sad thinking he was that hungry and was afraid the donuts were all he was getting, LOL!! As if! Those kids eat better than I do (Mothers never get to eat after the babies come!!).

Friday, January 8, 2010

Borrowed Blog...or Answers to

I saw this questionaire on a blog I follow over at, so I decided I would take part... I have never done this before, but I am trying to reach out and find new followers and meet new people, because I am bored and lonely, and need some socialization (like a puppy, ROFL)

I want to know more about you. The following 5 questions were compiled by a team of (imaginary) social psychologists - experts in the field of human behaviour. These questions were found, based on years of research, testing and social experiments, to be those most likely to allow me to understand who you are and what makes you tick. I look forward to learning all about you. You can answer the question in the comments here or at grab the questions (without my answers) for a post at your blog (because they are just that good, the social psychologists really outdid themselves)... If you take them to your blog, don't forget to leave a link to the post in the comments.

1. How often do you clean your baseboards? Well usually never....although if I see a dirt mark or stain or something offensive I have been known to get out of bed to clean it.... some things just take over my head sometimes....and once I get started I will go crazy on it, clean it feverishly, then leave it until the next time I get offended.

2. What is on your bedside table? Diet Pop, my medicine, alarm clock, cell phone, a printer, remote, a few CDs, really it isn't as bad as it sounds, LOL

3. Of the pictures and other decoraty stuff hanging on the walls in your home, describe your favourite. Why is it your favourite? Well, I haven't decorated this place to my liking yet....before the divorce, when I had my HOME, I had some pictures I took of the dogs (6 at the time), I made them black and white, put them in matted frames and hung them nicely on the wall. People thought they were professional pics, I was flattered.

4. What song do you remember with nostalgia from when you were young? A lullaby? A song you danced to with your first boy/girlfriend? A solo you sang in choir? The first rock anthem of your teenage rebelion? For some stupid reason....the song country by Dan Seals, "Bop," or John Anderson's "Swangin'" and yes that is not a typo, it is not swinging, ROFL

5. Do you think Jude Law is hotter with our without a mustache? (sorry picture wouldn't copy)
I saw definitely WITHOUT a mustache.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Why are some people so sensitive?

Why are some people so sensitive?

I am talking about ME! I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. The EX (Satan) used to say my heart was bigger than my brain, because I will put myself out in order to do something for someone else. Making people happy makes me happy.....And when someone is in pain, I feel it too. I would rather hurt myself than ever say anything to make someone else hurt. That is just me..... I know, I am STUPID!
People always ask me why I let Satan hurt me so bad, and still I speak to him, and still I can't seem to see him as the way he is now.....only how he was, how I want him to still be......
The only conclusion I can come to is this.......I was tormented so much as a child.....teased, taunted, laughed at, tortured, shunned, I grew up knowing how that felt, and could never inflict pain on anyone else, I am used to it, why should anyone else have to feel it? This leads me to the conclusion that HE was the first person to ever make me feel good about myself. He worshiped me, he lavished me with gifts, love, and affection.....and I liked it. But the person that took me to the top of the heavens also drug me to the pits of hell. I need to accept it, and realize there is someone else out there that is willing to do the same for me, and I am worthy of that, I deserve it. I am no longer the rejected FAT KID, no longer a catterpilar.....I am a beautiful woman, all grown up, the butterfly that always was.....but has now emerged! I can let go of all the pain from my past, and in turn I can let HIM go! I can not feel like his rejection is the same as that I experienced years ago. This is his loss, he will be the one to suffer, not me, I will be victorious, I will win!!

I made homeade chicken noodle soup for supper....everyone agreed it was great. We had sweet peas and biscuits too.

Here is how I made the "chicken soup" it was too easy.
3 chicken breasts
large can of cream of chicken soup
cans of chicken broth
can of sliced carrots
splash of milk
salt and pepper

I cooked the chicken breasts with the broth in a glass pan for over an hour. The I cooked the egg noodles on top of the stove, drained the water, added the cream of chicken soup, and some of the broth from the chicken and a splash of milk....cut up the chicken with kitchen shears and threw it in, then added the carrots at the very end. Oh yeah, throw in some salt & pepper to taste....there ya go, cheap and easy enough!! I think if I would have had it, I would have added some celery and maybe even some onions?? Who knows, I cook all the time, and try different things.....

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

OMG, OMG, OMG........and WTF?

Well, I was sitting here today minding my own business and guess what?? HE showed up.... When I say HE, I mean the one and only Satan himself (the S.T.B EX HUSBAND). Before I knew what hit me, I saw his mug on the other side of the door. I was caught too off-guard to do anything but stand there with my mouth gaping open in utter disbelief. This is especially eerie because yesterday I made a call to his girlfriend spilling my guts and telling her if they were to be together he needs to leave me alone (not the first call I have made to her, I have even left a note in her house (formally home of myself and children) when I was there while she was in Florida and left him alone). Ok, so I knew this was NO GOOD! Sidenote: New BF would be home within hours, my children were at the sitters and I needed to pick them up. Luckily my sister pulled up minutes later, ended up staying the whole time, and was able to make the appropriate calls to head off the disaster waiting to happen.
Ok, now let's back up to the beginning. After I opened the door, as I stood in awe, Satan handed me a bag, brushed past me, took his boots and coveralls off, and proceeded to sit on the couch. SILENCE filled the air, and you cut have cut the tension with a knife. I wondered WTF he wanted, WTF was he doing here? Ok, thankfully my sister (the one who is a total mess) blows in, takes over the conversation, never shutting up for a second.... She blatantly calls him a drunk, calls his girlfriend a whore, tells him he is a POS (not literally but intentionally), then asks him when he is leaving.....In other words, she made things worse, and me wanting to die, turned into more of a slow and agonizing death!!
Finally after he had received enough abuse, or was tired of listening to her go on and on (the whole time while she had the phone to her ear, talking to 17 different people) he got up and hobbled to the door (recently had a wreck while in a drunken stupor).
I was not prepared for what I was about to hear when I walked him out to his car. He told me he wanted to put my SUV in my mom or dad's name (fine with me) because he was going broke and if they didn't take everything he had, he would have to file bankruptcy. WTF? Then he said that he did all this "crazy stuff" (leaving wife & kids, taking drugs, being an alcoholic) because he has known for a while that this (going broke) was happening, so he wanted people to think that his antics is what caused it.....and not blame me..... Double WTF? That to date is the sorriest excuse for a man abandoning his family that I have ever heard, in my life!
Now, I was buying the bankrupt story for a breif moment (cause he is blowing thru money like it grows on trees, buying stuff, drugging it up, being stupid), but then the best is yet to come. He asks me to call my lawyer (and he will call his) and we can tell them we are done fighting, and want a simple divorce to get it over with, then we can live together. Wait a damn minute, back up the motherfucking truck.....What did you just say to me? So at this point, I wake up out of my trance to finally try and piece everything together.
This SOB is trying to trick me into not getting anything from him in the divorce. He is mad about me ruining it for him and his girlfriend (which he brought that all on himself)....and he told me this big sob story, lured me in by giving me my truck which is freakin' paid for (and is mine anyway, just in his name)----and then the the bastard is going to leave me high and dry. Well you selfish pitiful excuse for a husband and father........I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night. (well actually it was 7:42 a.m. thankyouverymuch). I would not be surprised if him and his girlfriend have set up this elaborate scheme to trick me, and lure me into their trap....NOT this time pussycat! (his gf is crazy as f#ck, I mean really!)
I also learned he was waiting for current BF to come home and have a little confrontation, which was averted, thank God!!

PS.......This is the 2nd night he didn't take the kids, and go figure I didn't get my child support! And he says he isn't going to take them again until she is gone... I say Fat Chance she will ever even leave! So I guess my kids are out in the cold again!!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Freakin' Dogs!!

Ok, I will be the first to admit that I am a huge dog lover. Yes I have even dressed up my little dog a time or two (before I had babies to tend to). I have also mourned the loss of my dogs as if they were members of my immediate family.......
Today is not such a "dog loving" day!!
These furry ass bitches are getting on my last nerve! I have 2 dogs at the moment (Paris-the CHUG which means she is pug/chihuahua mix, and Dixie who is a flop eared fawn boxer. I swear that they are worse than the babies! Ok, let me give you a run down (or typical day/night at my house). First of all Dixie is about 6 months old, she cries about every 3 hours at night to go outside....then she tries to tear the damn door down to get back inside, it sounds like the po-lice beatin on the door!! When we let her in she runs straight for a kid and proceeds to knock them down, or lick them in the face, or pounce directly on the little dog! So with this I have to listen to babies screaming/crying, dogs fighting, and me yelling/cussing.
Then I have to deal with the kids chasing Paris around trying to maul her, then in turn Paris following the kids around taking the food out of their hands, waiting for it to hit the ground, running in the kitchen when a package opens, sitting in front of people while they eat, sniffing and licking the floor constantly searching for crumbs....I swear to you that fat bitch would eat until she exploded! She has no stopping point. Every time my dad comes over here (lives across the street) he feeds her right off his plate, making things worse, then accuses me of not feeding her..... I am like "DAD, have you not seen how fat this bitch is?" and he is like, "well she looks hungry, and her bowl is empty," yes that is because she eats it all as soon as I fill it up....and she gets plenty, probably more than she should, and the fact that she eats everything that hits the floor or gets set down clearly says to me she is NOT STARVING!! I am constantly screaming at that black bitch to get her ass to her bed! Which means, go lay in your basket with the soft pillow and blanket that mommy made for you, and stop hounding everyone about food before you die of a heart attack you morbidly obese motherfucker! (believe me, I am the first to know about weight issues). It has also gotten to the point that Paris refuses to go outside with Dixie because of the constant harrassment. And now the fucking whore has decided to shit in the babies' room up under their beds....then disappear as if I won't know it is her that did it!! Does she honestly believe I will think the baby did it? And every night instead of sleeping in her bed, she lays at the foot of my bed and constantly digs, scratches, likes, sneezes, farts, and makes all kinds of bodity noises to make sure I don't sleep!!! Also, when they go outside together they end up chasing any car that goes down the road (we live in the Country on a gravel lane with 4 houses, but it never fails a car will go by) at this time I stand in the door turning purple trying to get their attention so they do not get their heads ran over! Ok, I know you are all appalled...but Paris never did this before.....we had a trolley system that Dixie ran on--until that piece of shit dug up the cable lines and disconnected it for us (so we have to re-bury before we can hook her back up)......and we have a dog pen but it is only 10x10 and both dogs refuse to shit in it because of the size (guessing). So I usually just open the door and let them out watching to make sure they do their business then come back....sometimes I get distracted. (until I hear crazy barking and look out to find them chasing the cars)
Another issue...Dixie can make the living room look like a tornado hit it (I thought the babies snuck back home from the sitter, ROFL)...I got up, went in there and garbage drug out of the can, the sheets were off the couch (our way of stain resistance), the pillows were in the floor, the toys were scattered all over the room, laundry baskets uprooted, she had peed in three spots????she just went out 30 minutes ago!! She also like to find baby toys and eat them.

Ok, so this is the part of my post where I start feeling bad about saying harsh things about my pets. And I say I LOVE THEM, and we do have special moments too. Like, the fact that Dixie is laying in the bed with me, after she jumped up here when she heard me typing, and the forever faithful Paris is beside the bed loyally waiting for her master to give her a kind word. And even though Dixie is pushing 50 pounds she thinks she is a "lap-dog" and sometimes we let her be. And Paris has never offered to bite a child even though they have tried to kill her (unintentially I'm sure), and she misses them when they are gone and lays beside their toys. I guess me and the dogs have a love/hate relationship just like the babies do with each other.

Slow ASS computer!!!

I am starting to HATE this damn Internet connection! I pay over $60. a month for wireless Internet.....(don't know if I should say what it is on here but it is similar to BS & S--got it?) and let me tell you it is CRAP! I can not watch any videos, can not see most pictures, can not download music, can barely check email..... So what is the point? Every now and then if I try 100 times I am able to post a blog entry or check my facebook or myspace updates, maybe even find a recipe.......I have no home phone so can't even get dial up....and we live out in the STICKS, so no cable connection either, and I looked into Satellite connection only to find out it is about $500. up front and $100. a month. Well maybe if I sold some blood every day for a week I could afford that.....NOT! I guess I will just keep looking, until I stumble onto something great and cheap????

Satan called me at 11:00 and informed me that he wasn't picking his children up today. GREAT! I guess mothers don't need a break? It really must be nice to be able to pick and choose what times are convenient to be a parent. By the way, his drunk a$$ was calling me at 3:45 AM night before last......turns out he wrecked his truck (08-Diesel, which was nice at one time). I guess you could say I was not to thrilled having to lecture a 50 year old man about how he too can lose everything he ever worked for, and he needed to grow up (for himself, IF NOT FOR OUR SMALL CHILDREN).

Saturday, January 2, 2010

My kids have a love/hate relationship, potty issues

Funny how when my babies are home together they beat each other down, take each other's toys, make each other cry, poke, pinch, hit, kick, bite, scratch, pull hair, knock each other down, I mean anything you can think of......they do it, smugly!!

So it makes me wonder why, when they are seperated for even one night, they walk around this house aimlessly asking where the other is.... Last night Sissy went home with my sister....So Bubby was here alone this morning. He constantly talked about Sissy, asked where she was, made me show him pictures of her and when I did he beamed with happiness!

I realize now that all kids must go through this same thing, as I did with my siblings too. I am finally glad that I had my babies so close together, they are like twins, and they really have each other to lean on! I think about how alone one of them would be at a new sitter by themselves, or having to go visit Daddy twice a week and endure his craziness alone? It is like they have a built in support system to get them through the hard times. I just don't know what I am going to do when Sissy goes off to school without Bubby.... What will he do with himself? Do any of you out there in bloggy land have any stories like this?

Now on another note, WTF am I going to do about Potty Training? Sissy is 3 years old and refuses (absolutely acts horrified) to "go" anywhere put in her pull-up/diaper! Now you have to imagine having a conversation with a 3 year old, and she is VERY articulate.....she started talking at 9 months! So she can argue and debate with me like an adult. So here I am offering her everything (bribery has failed), begging, even threatening her, but nothing works! And Bubby being a man of few words just says NO and that's that. Am I going to have the only children in the universe to be starting kindergarten in diapers?

Friday, January 1, 2010

Most eventful decade of my life, and my first decade as an adult.

Well, all the blogs (or most) I have read have been remembering the year (month by month) or even going as far as remembering the decade. I decided I would "follow the herd" (an old saying my grandfather used to say to us.....but he always said don't follow.....I digress).

Personally, as I look back now, I have had some major sh*t happen in my life during this decade!

2000: I was 20 years old, I worked 12 hour shifts at a vehicle mixing center as the "Operations Clerk." I continued to date a major loser who cheated non-stop, ignored, and abused me. I got my first place, it was a duplex, it was not the best, but it was clean and nice, and the best part, MINE. Got my first dog that was all mine her name was HOLLYWOOD, she was the greatest! I raised her from 5 weeks old, she was my "first child!" We were inseperable.

2001: The big 21! Met an older guy off the internet, started dating him (sporadically), learned he was married months later. Also continued seeing the the loser so he could continue to make me feel worthless. Got a new job with "State Government" took a slight pay cut, but had better benefits, was closer to home, and normal work hours. Moved in with said loser to be further humiliated and abused. The neighbor to loser shot and killed her because she escaped from me and crossed over onto his property, I was devastated. I buried her on losers propery, had a tombstone made (during this time loser was out with his ex gf and had no concern for my situation).

2002: Met a new guy....dated for a few months until he dumped me, then went back with loser, started having lots of health problems, declared infertile, high blood pressure, insulin resistance, continued weight gain...... At the end of this year I had to have my gallbladder removed. I had always been heavy throughout my life, but at this point in my life my weight had soared to 369 pounds....Yes you read that right! Moved into my own place again.

2003: At 23 my life changed drastically. I had the gastric bypass surgery in October, by the close of this year, I had lost over 100 pounds.

2004: In May I met a new guy (Satan). I fell madly in love and stopped seeing loser for good! Satan showered me with love and attention and lots of gifts! He was older than me (21 years) and he was at the end of a divorce. He told me he had finally found what he was looking for in life. He had tons of money, his own home, new vehicles, everything I could have ever dreamed of. I finally saw how love was really supposed to be...easy...and for the first time since I was 17 I didn't have to take care of myself. Moved in with Satan in a ring for Christmas (Past, Present, & Future). Got promoted and started a new job also in December.

2005: Spent the first 3 months decorating, painting, and re-doing my first real home.... As I finished the last room in March the house burned down! Nothing left but bricks and studs. Everything I ever owned in my life was destroyed. Moved in with Satan's parents (OMG).. Got proposed to in week later (April 30th) eloped to Tennessee and tied the knot. Inherited 4 step children ages at the time 25 (same as me), 24, 21, & 13. Learned how hard it is to be a parent to a live in 13 year old that wasn't mine. Had plastic surgery in June to remove some of the excess skin my body was left with after losing over 200 pounds. Moved back into house in July....It was so perfect, I got to pick everything. It was MY HOUSE, designed exactly how I wanted it! In October I had another plastic surgery for the remaining skin, had breast implants (seeing as I was left with NOTHING but hanging skin in their place).

2006: Got promoted again to an even better job, started January 1st. Started infertility pregnant by IVF March 1st. Started having horrible headaches. Baby's due date was November 22nd, had Miss Presley Nicole 5 weeks early on Ocotber 16th (5lbs 3oz., 16 inches long--she was tiny, but had a FULL head of hair)...Learned what it was like to really be a mother, and how much love you can feel for a child. Also found out what it was like to be exhausted and frustrated and scared to the point of tears, and I learned that 15 year old boys (stepson) can be very jealous and hateful towards a new baby. This year we also started going to chuch and I found a new exciting FAITH I had never experienced before. Satan & I started praying together as a couple, it was great!

2007: Returned to work after maternity leave. Stayed torn between work, baby, husband, and my whole less was full of guilt. Missed 3 periods, took 3 pregnancy test that all came back negative, found out by blood test from the doctor in early May that I was pregnant AGAIN! And was already getting ready to start my second trimester!! Continued to have the horrible headaches (which doctors told me would go away after pregnancy was over)! Gained a ton of weight, craved everything salty, stayed swollen! Had several pre-labor scares starting at 16 weeks--lasted the whole time. Mister Dylan Justice was born 6 weeks early on October 11th (5 days before Miss Presley turned 1, so she had no 1st bday party) he was 4 lbs. 9oz, 17 inches--he was tiny too....but also had a full head of hair! I learned what it was like to have a sick child....he was so early he couldn't breathe on his own and he had to stay in the NICU for 12 long days. I also learned the ugly truth about Post Partum Depression and how dangerous it can be for 2 infants......and how women who normally have it together can now go a week without showering, and can not want to be near either of their children. I also learned a new and more deep sense of exhaustion, and finally learned how to put Miss Priss to bed and close the door and let her CIO (cry it out) when she was 14 months old and getting up more often than the 3 month old. This year I also had my tubes tied to prevent any more unexpected blessings!!!!

2008: Again returned to work at the first of the new year. Had my wisdom teeth removed. Left work the last day of January on medical leave to give into my PPD. Staying home at this time with 2 infants 24/7 was not the best idea. Slept the days away, wallowed in my own self pity and filth! Went deeper and deeper into the BLACK HOLE of depression! It consumed me. In June of this year I had enough and returned to work. Found out in July that Satan had been having an "emotional affair" with the town's only hair stylist. Moved out, into a small house with the 2 babies, felt a sense of empowerment for the first time since childbirth. Went back to Satan in the middle of August after he begged and promised for 6 weeks. Quit my job at the end of August upon Satan's request (so we could work on our family). Had a great 2 months, felt like we were on the right track, finally. Went to our "preacher" for some counciling. A few months later after I left work, again I fell into a deep depression! Found out in December that Satan had started a romantic, physical affair with the gas station attendant. Packed up his clothes and put them outside. Cried for weeks......Lost 40 pounds in less than 3 weeks. Couldn't eat or sleep. Continued to have the horrible headaches. OOps did I forget to mention that my aunt died the day after Thanksgiving (my favorite and closest aunt) November 28. And my Mamaw (practically raised me) died one month to the day later December 28! I could say this was the worst year of my life....unless since it was so close to 2009--we can consider it the worst?

2009: In January, I met my new and current BF at Wal-Mart (feeling unusually brave I left a note on his truck, he called). We talked on the phone all night that night. Went out with him the next night. Have spent every day since then together. In February I moved out of my home with the babies. Spent the next 4-6 weeks staying wherever we could (no job or money at this time), started getting child support in March. Got a place to live in March, found a bigger and better place in May (moved again, and we are still here). All this year I have been trying to get over Satan, trying to make a new life.....Have continued to talk to him off and on (whenever he will give me the time of day). Went to court off and on. In September I was awarded "maintenance" which is alimony in KY. I took a tax class....which I later learned was for the company's way to gain business, and nothing ever came of it. Have decided to go back to school (since I can't find a job). I have also experienced the "terrible two" stage with the little girl, funny thing, one day she snapped out of it, now guess what? little boy picked up right where she left off, so now we have another year dealing with him!! Sometimes I want to RUN AWAY, but I am still here. I am the only thing stable my kids have ever known, and I want to keep it that way!!!!

OK, so this is what has been going on with me in the last 10 years. Between 2002-2008 I had 6 surgeries and 2 babies! In 2008 I lost the 3 most important people in my life all at the end of the year (all 3 within 1 month) My aunt, my Husband, and my Mamaw. I have grown (and shrunk, LOL) a lot.....made some mistakes, still make more mistakes......yet some mistakes never seem to teach me what they should!!!

Here is to wishing 2010-2020 is a better decade.....I am hoping my 30's will prove to teach me even more. And with that wisdom, maybe I can settle into a "life" I am happy with. I have learned one important lesson.....The only thing you can expect is that everything changes with time, nothing is ever a guarantee.
Expect the worst, but hope for the best!!!!!!!
I hope you all have continued or even better happiness than the day before!

Tomorrow I may borrow some questions I have seen others answer, and take a stab at looked like fun!