Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Same Old Tired Story.......

What my brain says to me:
Well Gayle you did it again! You let Satan F*ck with you, just like you swore you wouldn't do!!! I know you know better......and we both know how long it takes you to get over these little incidents! Why do you do it? Why do you give in? Why?? Don't you know you will never be able to move on if you keep opening the door for HIM, if you keep letting him have the control? He doesn't want you.......He wants her......He just keeps you around as a back up.......He already ruined your marriage, your life, and the lives of your precious babies........LET HIM GO! You didn't do anything wrong, it was his fault! He should have understood that having 2 babies 11 months apart would suck the life out of anyone, he should have helped you, instead of leaving you all alone with them night and day......while he "courted" HER and told you he was working! He put you and his own children out in the street, he killed your pets, he told the court you were a bad mother, he stole your (Christmas present) tv to give to HER! You have a new guy that would never do anything bad to you.....focus on him!

What my heart says to me:
I'm sorry.....I tried to say no, really I did, it had just been so long, I missed him so much.....His touch, his smell, his voice, the words he told me, the "I love you's," the way he makes me feel so safe and warm when he holds me, the way we can share old memories about us or about OUR children......I just needed reassurance that I still mattered to him, that he felt the same way, that he wishes he had never f*cked it up. I LOVE him, I love him with every breath in my body, I can't live without him, I will never love anyone again, the way I love him. I can not "feel" anything unless I am with him, normally I am numb. I guess I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. I want to believe him when he tells me we will be together again one day......Maybe I will wait for him.......I will not be complete until I am with him forever!

Now as I sit here with tears streaming down my face I wonder.......when will this pain ever go away? Will I forever be suspended in time waiting on a love that once was? Will I waste away into nothingness because I am so broken? Or will I one day get my SH*T together and beat this? Will I finally have ENOUGH of the hurt? Who knows, I sure don't!!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Typical Sunday.....

Today was a typical Sunday......slept late (BF got up with the babies)......I have a new bad habit of staying up all hours of the night surfing the www..... When I got up, he had made them eggs.....Mom had come over (lives across the street, YAY for me, NOT) and brought them bags/boxes of candy which encouraged them NOT to eat their healthy breakfast! Of course she and I go rounds about this subject to no avail.

Spent about an hour watching them play, then got up jumped in the shower while BF got them dressed, then I took them to the drop off spot for Satan to pick 'em up. OMG, I knew Satan was OLD, but damn, that man has aged 10 years since our split..... Now, in case you don't know, he is 21 years older than me (I know, what was I thinking?)......Anyway, get this, he had a leather jacket on, which made him look like he was screaming "look at me, look at me, I AM YOUNG, I SWEAR" rofl, it was pretty silly looking, and of course, honest john here had to tell him how horrible it was (yep I sure did). It is still pretty hard for me to face him, but it has gotten SO MUCH better!
After the drop, me and BF went to the big Wal-Mart..... I had to have some ink for my printer... I want to print out some Christmas pics of the babies all dressed up and being still for a split second, I also needed dog food, tylenol, ETC.... I know WHATEVER, rofl, I didn't say this post was exciting did I?
I am quite excited though about the new KICK A$$ leather jacket (from Wal-mart-very cheap, but great) I bought today, that I am going to ROCK, and show Satan how it is really worn, LMAO!! I also got a pair of ripped up jeans that will go great with my boots that I have been dying to wear.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

On to New Years.......

Well, now that Christmas is over we can all move on to New Years and think of all the things we might like to change about ourselves, or new things we might want to try, things we might want to make better, things we might want to do...or not do..... It goes on and on and on!
I hope one day my life is exactly as it should be and I have nothing to think about changing or tweaking before January 1st of the next year.
Actually so far this year I don't have a lot of things on my list, maybe a few....
Such as....doing more things with my kids (outside of this house), less time thinking about my failed marriage (cause he F'd it up, not me, LOL) and realize I deserve better (and not let the EX F*ck with my emotions anymore just because he can), get my a$$ back in school or get a good job, learn to live again (ok this last one is a biggie...ROFL)
On another note, we had a really good Christmas. I got a fancy GPS that can do lots of nifty things.... I was pleasantly surprised and I really LOVE it! I also got perfume (Did you not hear me when I told you I am deathly allergic?), oh well, it was a nice thought...most women like that kind of thing. I am weird that way....I also don't dig the jewelry scene either....never did. Well unless it is a big fat engagement ring!
The babies were so freakin' cute opening presents (first time they ever got into it)...they actually got into it so much, they offered to help everyone else open theirs too (with or without the go ahead or agreement of said parties). Of course they got too much (even though I couldn't get them anything), and I spent all day today cleaning this nasty sh*t hole (I use this term figuratively) purging all of the old toys to make room for the new ones. One would think 2 children (ages 3 & 2) would not have so much damn JUNK!!! But do they ever.....and like usual anything I went to donate was their absolute favorite that they couldn't live without even though it sat at the bottom of the toy box for a year now... But being a sneaky mommie, I just waited until they looked away, and in the bag it went!!
Even though it was some hard work, the house looks great, and everything is in it's rightful place and organized the way I like it (OCD maybe? YEP, that's how I roll).

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Depressed no more!

Wow, I woke up this morning and actually feel good for once. I actually feel good about Christmas and I am excited about my little munchkins coming home and seeing their little faces when they wake up in the morning and realize Santa has been here!!
I have had lots of ups and downs lately! I don't know if it is hormones, holidays, depression, or just me! Hopefully after the holidays I can get back on track?
I did a little bit of shopping yesterday (maybe that cheered me up?). I took the last scrap of money I could possibly spare and got the BF some gifts! And that actually made me really happy.....knowing that this our first Christmas together, and his first Christmas not being alone. He is so excited being with us, having an instant family, and having a new meaning in his life. Sometimes I feel so bad because I am always such a "downer." It has just been rough times for me. Starting with me feeling so out of control with no job, losing the comforts of "the good life" by being married to a wealthy man (who cheated on me and left me and his 2 infant children in the streets!!), and having several health issues myself (which I promise to blog about later, but I don't want to ruin this good moment, LOL)

Anyway, I think I will get up and go make some nice warm cookies!! YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY!!

I have decided 30 is not so bad, I am looking forward to good things to come!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Nothing much to write about.....All I want to do is bitch and moan about how my life sucks! So I will make it short and sweet.

Hope all of you have a great Christmas and New Year.....or whatever you are celebrating!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Things I have come to expect on my birthday......

In all my 30 years on this earth I have come to expect certain things on my birthday... Although some things come and go.... there are still a few that have stuck.
Up until last year, my Mamaw would call and sing the Happy Birthday song to me, no matter where I was. I loved it! After she was done, we would bust out laughing, then chat for a while and she would tell me she loved me/I loved her too, and she would say please come see me, ANYTIME! Unfortunately, last year was hear last year on earth! I hope to see her sweet face in Heaven, her name was Gracie, and "Amazing Grace" she was!
Next thing I have come to expect is a call from 2 of my male cousins. I have already got a call from 1, waiting on the other...
My mom and Dad call (I can check that one off...Dad is usually first of all, not this year though)... This year Dad sang to me, which almost made me cry....since mamaw (his mother) is gone, and can't..
I may or may not get a call from my sisters (2) brother will probably ignore me as ok, still love you big bro.
This year I have my kids, and they can both talk...Sissy said she wanted to eat icecream by herself on Mommie's birthday. And asked if she could come to my birthday.
Bubby just kept saying, Mommie burfday, Mommie burfday, and laughing.
Seems like the older I get, the less gifts I get, or the less people acknowledge me... Oh well, I know everyone is busy with their own families now.
I am somewhat disappointed because my husband (almost ex) has not called, and I don't think he will. We have a love/hate relationship....But come on Satan, show you care (a little). Weird, as much as he has harrrassed me.....lately he has been pretty quiet. I have mixed feelings on this subject. You know what they say "guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." But I do have a new man now, a good one, that would never cheat.... So I better start looking forward, and skip looking back!

Wonder if I will get a present this year? My EX (husband) used to lavish me with expensive gifts and make a big production of my birthday.... Things are a little different now, with being with a younger man, and on my own with the kids.
But if I have learned nothing else, I have learned that MONEY doesn't make you happy! So whatever happens this year I will accept it with a big ole' smile! And enjoy it fully!!!!

Sunday, December 20, 2009


So tomorrow (or, lets see, in about 3.5 hours) I will be 30 years old. No more 20-somethings, no more "hot 20-ish babe status" only the big 30 year old Mommie. I am kind of disgusted by this age, and I have been crying a lot lately. I know it is just another number and we can't stop the clock, but you can't blame a girl for tryin'......I am scared to death right now!!!
I guess I will put on my "big-girl britches" and embrace 30 with style and grace as any lady would do (ROFL--lady? me?). I can only hope all this nonsense is something I have hyped up in my head and it really will be just another day! I guess it could be worse?

Anyway, I am looking forward to better things for myself this year, I want to go back to school, or become employed with a good company and a job I love.....And to make 30 FABULOUS!!

Like the movie 13 going on 30 (or whatever it is) doesn't she say 30, Flirty, and one of her articles she writes? That will be my new motto.....





Saturday, December 19, 2009

Strange Morning......

Well, I went to get the babies out of bed this morning and guess what?? They had both managed to get out of their footed pajamas.....then off went the diapers which I found in the hallway....(??) Crazy kids. It never ceases to amaze me what they won't come up with!!
On another note.....It has been pretty loud and crazy around here. Just me and the 2 Terrors this morning. Gunner is supposed to be here soon. Poor guy has to get out in the snow and go to work (even on Saturdays!). It is a shame to say the least. I wish he made more money and in turn had more time to spend away from that awful place he calls "work." Maybe one day?
Mom came over last night (lives right across the street) and watch Frosty & Frosty Returns with the babies. They actually watched part of it..... They usually never watch t.v., they are too hyper to sit still for anything!
The dogs are laying around being awful quiet right now. They refuse to go outside for any length of time when it is this cold, so they are couped up with us.
Maybe I will make some candy or cookies later? Sounds like fun, but don't know if I will feel like it when the time comes.
Last night I drug out the bags and boxes of clothes that people gave us, I had them put up, but looks like now that the babies are growing at warp speed, I can get some good use out of the stuff. Surprisingly there are some really nice clothes (and better for me since I didn't have to buy them!!). Since the babies were both preemies, they are on the small side (or have been), so they are usually true to actual size (Sissy is 3--just started wearing a 3 this month & Bubby is 2--he can still wear a lot of his 18/24 month pants, and 2T shirts). But they are growing now, I look up and their pants and shirts will be way to short, so up we go!
Satan will pick them up tomorrow (if he so chooses) so they will be in a mood on Monday when they come home. Good luck to me on that lovely day!

I have been following some pretty awesome blogs lately! Makes me think I am not alone in this "mess" of life..... Seems like everyone has there own problems too!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Broke but Thankful.....maybe??

Yesterday was a horrible day for me!!! I am starting to sink into a deep depression and wonder if I will ever get out of it. I miss my old life where I didn't worry about money or have anything to want for because I had it all.... But I couldn't sacrifice my pride in order to keep all of that, so here I am..... Almost Divorced (from a cheater-in which I loved to a fault) with nothing left but my pride and my babies!! And that my friends will have to do! This is the second Chrismas in a row that will SUCK a$$! (Last year is when the cheating and finale began--and it still goes on)....
So about yesterday...In the morning when I woke up...I had dozed off about 5 am, since I don't sleep well these days...My cable had been disconnected, GREAT! So I figured I would deal with that later and stayed awake until about 10, then drifted off again, only to be woken up by a loud bang on the door (which I ignored because I thought it was not important because a lot of my family lives close and they like to drop by....but I was just so tired, I refused to get up. Well that was a MISTAKE, 2 minutes later, the house went black! I jumped straight up out of bed and looked out the window, it was the electric company truck. I knew what was going on!! The bill was late (didn't realize how much so). I ran outside and caught the guy before he left. He said if I had the money he could turn it back on.... Well I thought I had it, only to find out I was about $50. short. Well, he said "this time" he would be able to take what I had and I could pay the rest tomorrow (today) or he would be back to shut it off again. OK, crisis averted for now. My kids could have heat one more night. But WTF am I going to do? Cable is 2 months due, electric, phone, and with Christmas a few days away, it is safe to say my kids will not get anything from me again this year! But they are little, so I guess with everything they will get from everyone else they won't notice? Or at least I hope they won't.
My birthday is Monday, I will be 30 F*cking years old, and I had hoped to be in a more stable situation by now.....So much for hoping!
Well, I have been thinking, and instead of wallowing in self-pity I am going to try and think hard about 30 things I can be thankful for since Monday I will have put 30 years into this thing I call "my life"....SO HERE GOES!

30 Things to be thankful for....

1. God will not give us more than we can stand (that which does not kill us only makes us stronger, no?)
2. I have the 2 most beautiful, healthy, intelligent babies a girl could want!
3. I have a handsome bf that LOVES me more than life itself, and he has the bluest eyes I have ever seen, and an awesome set of arms!
4. A roof over our heads
5. We all have our health
6. 2 dogs that get on my nerves, but make things interesting, and are very loyal
7. Family that lives close
8. A dependable vehicle to drive, that has fairly new tires
9. A very comfortable bed in which I lay my head at night
10. Some really cool shoes/boots
11. A Christmas tree (someone loaned to me, but still better than none at all)
12. A house full of furniture (the sets actually match, LOL)
13. A babysitter I trust to watch my kids when I can't
14. Food in the cabinets and freezer and refridgerator (at least we can eat)
15. The kids have free health care in case they get sick
16. Clothes to wear, and a washer/dryer to keep them clean
17. tv to watch
18. diapers that I found on sale (YAY for me)
19. A turkey in the freezer for Christmas dinner (glad I bought it early when I had the money and it was on sale)
20. A computer and internet which keeps me connected to my online friends and family.....and helps be stay abreast on other people's interesting lives
21. Long hair---which these days is rare! But men seem to love it
22. A recently aquired nice body....or decent anyway (after I lost over 200lbs)
23. A mother's ring with my babies names on it
24. My Brain is still intact for the moment, and I am kind of smart, LOL
25. 3 new bras with matching panties (hey, everything counts)
26. Favorite songs I love to hear on the radio
27. A good reputation
28. Any kind of noodles
29. Warm coats
30. And last but not least, MY SANITY.....So far

You know, while writing this I realize that life is not that bad.....and maybe it will begin to get better, maybe I will find a good job like I had before.... Here's to hoping!!!! Better days to come!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Baby Talk

Isn't it funny how we learn to understand what our kids are saying..... Even when they spit out orders through a mouthful of pancakes?
I am so amused as my little people grow, I watch with wonder as they take on the world. There are 2 of them here....One girl, one boy. I call them many things, LOL....Rupert and Rusty, Beeboo and Bubba J, Frick and Frack, Poncho and Lefty, Beavis and Butthead, you get the idea. For this post we will call them Bubby and Sissy, and I will let you in on some of the funny things they do and say.
We have a little dog (Paris) that they terrorize on a daily basis, they will tell her to "go to your bed." One day I heard Sissy open the front door and scream to the top of her lungs "Paris, get the fuck out of that stupid bitch road!" I had to pick my ass up off the bed where I crumbled in a spasm of hysterics! I mean I was laughing so hard tears rolled down my face. Not that I was proud of Sissy, or that I wanted her to say such just struck me as funny, how kids pick up on things (gosh I would never know where they would hear such things though) and put them together all jumbled up where they don't make sense. She obviously meant business though, she had the right tone, and delivery was good, she just screwed the words up a little. Gotta love her for trying. And yes I did chastise her for using such language and I didn't let her see me laugh.
She has also told me that Paris "pissed" in the floor. One of my favorites though, was when I was eating Coco Puffs out of a baggie....She said "Mommie are you eating dog food?" No silly it is cereal.
Now Bubby on the other hand has never been a man of many words. He gets his point across with as little as he has to. For some reason he got tore up one day when I innocently grabbed a bite of pancake off of his plate.... He shoved his little paw under my chin and demanded, "No Mommie, spit it out, my hand." I know some of you are not amused, but if you could have seen it, it might have tickled you too. Needless to say, the pancake was already down the hatch and I couldn't give it back, but you can't blame the boy for trying can you?
It is cute to see 2 toddlers interact with each other (when they are not hitting, kicking, screaming, biting, punching, scratching, poking, pulling hair, or taking things from each other). I have seen them give each other 4-wheeler rides, feed each other, brush each other's hair, dress each other, and Sissy has offered to change Bubby's diaper, to which I said not this time baby.
Sissy is the clumsiest child I have ever seen.. My B/F (we will call him Gunner because he has big ole' muscular arms) says Sissy would trip over a cordless phone... Yes Gunner, if it was laying in the floor I might trip over it too. And Bubby has to have every ouch he gets kissed, then it is magically all better. Even when I had a Boo-boo he said "my kiss it" and he planted a big ole wet kiss on me. Ofcourse who wouldn't be all better after a Bubby kiss?
But don't kids do the funniest things, I mean really? One day just sit and watch 'em go, then tell me about it....

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Christmas Trauma

Why is it that "fathers" who barely see there children twice a week (Sunday and Tuesday nights in my case, never on the weekends, and sometimes that is too much) come out of the woodwork to want their children on Christmas eve or Christmas Day?
I swear it is almost like they do it just to ruin our plans and upset the babies!!
My soon to be EX husband has recently sent a "proposed order" to my lawyer to say he wants to set up an arrangement for the holidays. WTF? This is so out of the blue seeing as we have always agreed before... Well actually he has NEVER wanted them before. On Thanksgiving he did take them to his mother's house for dinner the Friday after.... I had to drive an hours time to him, go all the way home, only to have to come back to pick them up 4 hours later, to which he was late by 30-45 minutes dropping them back off to me. Upon my arrival and the "meeting spot" he could barely walk and so I offered to just take them on over to his mother's house for him. So he followed me over there, and got them out of my SUV and took them inside, then because I wouldn't know what state he would be in as the night progressed, I agreed to meet him 2 minutes down the road later at the bank to pick them up... So I went totally above and beyond my call of duty in order to keep the peace. Do you think I could ever get the favor returned? Not hardly!!
I have to wonder if one day my young children will realize what their father is all about? Will they even want to be around him? Seems to me though, children always stay loyal to their parents no matter what the circumstances. Tough break for me!
I guess if you don't know my situation I should set it up for you.
Last year on my birthday 12/21, I found out he was sleeping with the "less than mediocre" sleazebag at the gas station. This proceeded to escalate and left me and my children alone on Christmas with nothing! Well at the time he had bought me a 50" plasma tv as an early gift, but later he broke into the house and took it, I later found out he gave it to "SLEAZEBAG." I guess during all of his untimely schenanigans he forgot that he had a family and he did not make sure his children had any gifts for Christmas (they were only 1 and 2 at the time so I don't think they will remember--HOPEFULLY). Later I read the "sleazebag's" myspace blog to find out that her kids had a wonderful man step in and bring them a "truck-load" of gifts. GO FIGURE! Oh well, I was going to try and make this year better, but, seeing as I have no job, and husband (we will call him Satan) refused to give us any extra money, gifts beneath my tree will be few and far between. Maybe he just wants them so he can lavish them with gifts and make me look bad?
Now, before you go thinking bad of me for not working, maybe I should tell you that story.... I had a great job! I worked for the government for going on 7 years when "Satan" encouraged me to quit and stay home with our children and be with him more. Why was I such an idiot? Why didn't I know better? Well your guess is as good as mine!!! So one month after resigning from my job, he closed our joing checking account, and I found myself without an income, no husband, no home, NOTHING. His lawyer sent me a letter giving me 3 months to GET OUT. And get out I did! There were nights my 1 and 2 year old babies and myself stayed in hotel rooms (until my money ran out), nights we drove around because anywhere we could have stayed, everyone had already went to bed and we were locked out. But this didn't last long, I met a good man who has been helping us, and I finally started getting child support (not much compared to what he gives "sleazebag" and her 2 children who moved into my home, a week after I moved out!!).

Ok, sorry for venting, the next posts won't be so full of anger, now that you know the story we can talk about something else, LOL!!!
Thanks for reading!!!!!