Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Hello, my name is Gayle, and I am a smoker.......

Hello, my name is Gayle, and I am a smoker.......

OMG, I can't believe I actually admitted that! Wow, I can hear jaws dropping and heads shaking....

I already know that smoking is disgusting.......I am just not yet ready to give it up. I know, I am weak!!! But times are rough. Ok, so that is my excuse anyway.

The worst part about this whole scene is;

1. I never smoked either time I was pregnant (basically 2 years straight)
2. Before I ever got pregnant I had quit for 3 years already

So basically, I had this bad habit under control, then I let it creep back into my life!

It started innocently enough......I would see people I knew smoking and bum one from time to time......then I bought a pack.....but it lasted me for days, even over a week......then it got to be more and more, and so, here I am a full blown nasty a$$ smoker, AGAIN!! Reaching an alarming rate of a pack a day, sometimes more.

I blamed my divorce, I blamed the stress, I blamed my life.......but it is my fault!

I didn't have to smoke just because my life as I knew it was ending, and I didn't know how to cope......and since the EX (Satan) always hated when I smoked I thought, hey now he can't tell me what to do, give me a cig!!! Only, I wasn't hurting him, I was hurting me.

I never would smoke in my house....EVER.....I even made others go outside (much to their dismay--rude a$$ smokers I thought)......now I am guilty of even doing that myself!

It is almost like I don't care about anything anymore.....this divorce has sucked the life out of me, and I just let myself go to pot (ok, not really to POT, but you know what I mean). I feel helpless and void of emotion (most of the time), and I can't seem to get ME back. It is like I can not validate myself without a the husband, or house, or life I used to live, and things I used to have, things I used to do as a happily married woman?????????? WHY? I know I am better off now, without that jacka$$ screwing me over daily, but I long for my life back. Is this normal? To feel this way, when I know it is not really what I want......It is like the familiarity of the old life feels safe and comfortable, and the unknown of this new life leaves me afraid and empty. I can't find my way.

I let Satan (ex) continue to mess with my emotions.....I agreed to drop the kids off at his house on Sunday (big mistake).....And I even allowed myself to think that maybe he would be happy to have his whole family back together (me, him, OUR children)......and it went ok for about an hour. I sat on the couch with my kids because they cried every time I tried to leave (and this rips my heart out)......I wonder if really they are afraid of him, or have seen something I don't know about? Ok, now the good part.... Satan's son called...... He called to warn his father that his girlfriend (LB=Lying Bitch) was on her way....... So Satan hung up the phone, pointed at me and said GET OUT, you have to leave because she is on her way.....and don't go THAT way, go the other way so she won't see you. So, I left. For a minute I pondered, I thought about camping out there until she arrived. But then I thought, for what? There is nothing left here for me except my children, and I will see them tomorrow!!!! So Satan's tragedy was averted, but it left me with an even heavier heart, and a wish that I could just stop loving this man, who blatantly hates me!!! He won't commit to me, but he won't commit to be without me either.....I am his fallback girl...and I need to STOP THE INSANITY!

I am better than this!
I am better than this!
I am better than this!

3 comments:

  1. You are way, way better than him! Says one smoker to another. And one baby daddy drama to another, only I didn't marry the SOB- smartest idea EVER!!!!!!! I finally moved to the exact opposite side of the US (with my baby) to put an end to the cycle. Good luck babe,

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  2. Checking to see if there is a word verification box when people comment.....I am trying to fix it, so it is easier.....

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  3. Oh, Mama Gayle, you are so much better than that fucktard deserves. You've got a good man who loves you, and that's so much better than anything Satan has to offer.

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Give it to me straight from the heart.....