What my brain says to me:
Well Gayle you did it again! You let Satan F*ck with you, just like you swore you wouldn't do!!! I know you know better......and we both know how long it takes you to get over these little incidents! Why do you do it? Why do you give in? Why?? Don't you know you will never be able to move on if you keep opening the door for HIM, if you keep letting him have the control? He doesn't want you.......He wants her......He just keeps you around as a back up.......He already ruined your marriage, your life, and the lives of your precious babies........LET HIM GO! You didn't do anything wrong, it was his fault! He should have understood that having 2 babies 11 months apart would suck the life out of anyone, he should have helped you, instead of leaving you all alone with them night and day......while he "courted" HER and told you he was working! He put you and his own children out in the street, he killed your pets, he told the court you were a bad mother, he stole your (Christmas present) tv to give to HER! You have a new guy that would never do anything bad to you.....focus on him!
What my heart says to me:
I'm sorry.....I tried to say no, really I did, it had just been so long, I missed him so much.....His touch, his smell, his voice, the words he told me, the "I love you's," the way he makes me feel so safe and warm when he holds me, the way we can share old memories about us or about OUR children......I just needed reassurance that I still mattered to him, that he felt the same way, that he wishes he had never f*cked it up. I LOVE him, I love him with every breath in my body, I can't live without him, I will never love anyone again, the way I love him. I can not "feel" anything unless I am with him, normally I am numb. I guess I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. I want to believe him when he tells me we will be together again one day......Maybe I will wait for him.......I will not be complete until I am with him forever!
Now as I sit here with tears streaming down my face I wonder.......when will this pain ever go away? Will I forever be suspended in time waiting on a love that once was? Will I waste away into nothingness because I am so broken? Or will I one day get my SH*T together and beat this? Will I finally have ENOUGH of the hurt? Who knows, I sure don't!!