Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Same Old Tired Story.......

What my brain says to me:
Well Gayle you did it again! You let Satan F*ck with you, just like you swore you wouldn't do!!! I know you know better......and we both know how long it takes you to get over these little incidents! Why do you do it? Why do you give in? Why?? Don't you know you will never be able to move on if you keep opening the door for HIM, if you keep letting him have the control? He doesn't want you.......He wants her......He just keeps you around as a back up.......He already ruined your marriage, your life, and the lives of your precious babies........LET HIM GO! You didn't do anything wrong, it was his fault! He should have understood that having 2 babies 11 months apart would suck the life out of anyone, he should have helped you, instead of leaving you all alone with them night and day......while he "courted" HER and told you he was working! He put you and his own children out in the street, he killed your pets, he told the court you were a bad mother, he stole your (Christmas present) tv to give to HER! You have a new guy that would never do anything bad to you.....focus on him!

What my heart says to me:
I'm sorry.....I tried to say no, really I did, it had just been so long, I missed him so much.....His touch, his smell, his voice, the words he told me, the "I love you's," the way he makes me feel so safe and warm when he holds me, the way we can share old memories about us or about OUR children......I just needed reassurance that I still mattered to him, that he felt the same way, that he wishes he had never f*cked it up. I LOVE him, I love him with every breath in my body, I can't live without him, I will never love anyone again, the way I love him. I can not "feel" anything unless I am with him, normally I am numb. I guess I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. I want to believe him when he tells me we will be together again one day......Maybe I will wait for him.......I will not be complete until I am with him forever!

Now as I sit here with tears streaming down my face I wonder.......when will this pain ever go away? Will I forever be suspended in time waiting on a love that once was? Will I waste away into nothingness because I am so broken? Or will I one day get my SH*T together and beat this? Will I finally have ENOUGH of the hurt? Who knows, I sure don't!!


  1. Oh, I sooo feel your pain. My hubs left me 3 months after our second som was born (for someone else, who I was sort of friends with) because he couldn't handle the pressure of having 2 kids and a wife (plus 2 jobs and a house). So he left us. That was 2 year and 2 months ago and I am finally at the point where I could care less about him, other than the fact that he fathered my children and I want him to have a good relationship with them. And he does for the most part. I started dating someone else right away after he left me and I saw what a "good" man was like and that was more than enough to show me what I had been missing out on and that my ex wasnt good enough for me in the first place. Hang in there.

  2. @Mass Hole Mommy

    Thanks so much for the support, and letting me know I am not alone! I debated whether or not to post this.....but it is what I am feeling, and I have to be true to myself. I don't want to be one of those "sad sacks" that goes on and on about the EX. I am hoping it will get better with time. (If I would just let him go)!! Thanks again!

  3. wow, this is just so powerful i can see the pain in your writing! i don't know if it ever gets better or if you'll ever find answers, but just know that you and your children are so beautiful and deserve the absolute best and nothing less. Hugs and prayers to you!


Give it to me straight from the heart.....