Repeating my childhood........

I have realized that the choices I make in my life are similar to what I watched/experienced as I grew up...

My dad was an habitual cheater, struggled with addictions, and was pretty careless for my mother's feelings in general. Does this ring a bell? This is exactly like my ex/Satan!!!

No matter what my Dad did to Mom......she always took him back. I can remember her crying endlessly (she still does). They broke-up/made-up more times than I can count......It was a hard life for us kids. When he left it was awful.....Mom was mean and bitter and sad......and us kids suffered because of it. When I was older I started leaving with Dad when he moved out. So this meant I got shoved off on what ever family member at the time would keep me. I remember switching schools in 5th grade (for 2 weeks), then we went home (back to Mom's house). IT. WAS. MISERABLE......A few times me and Dad actually slept in his car. When I turned 17 I started to stay with other people.....friends, my Mamaw, my Poppy, my older sisters...etc. But I quickly realized no one wants to take care of a "stray" child. Even though this lifestyle was not my fault, I didn't feel any sympathy, only resent from the people who had to take care of me.

At 18 I got a job, got my own place, and vowed to NEVER live that way again. I could take care of myself. From that point on I was always in control, always took care of myself, always had a job and my own car. I was very independant. During this time I had on again/off again boyfriend, but I always landed back on my feet cause I controlled my finances, and had a safety net with my employment. This continued until I was 24. I met Satan....later got married.....then gave up my safety net.

I knew it was a mistake to quit my job, but I did it anyway to appease the husband.....a few months later he was gone, and this time I had 2 kids and NO NET....NO JOB.....NO PLACE TO GO.....NOTHING.
I let him steal my independence! This is why now I feel like I am free falling with no where to land, and it all seems out of my control.

Anyway, my point is.....I realize why I let Satan control my emotions, why I can't move on, love him through it all. I watched my mom do the same thing when I was growing up (my whole childhood was like this!)

My dad was a good father towards me (emotionally), but a horrible husband, provider, stable influence!! I learned the wrong lessons from my parents (especially mom).....I learned to accept the BAD and not value myself enough to want more.

With this knowledge though, I want more, I do want better for myself!! Starting college again has given me a renewed hope for higher acheivement. Not just in education, but for my life...(also both parents only went to the 9th grade). I vowed I never wanted to live the life my parents did.....and I certainly didn't want the same for my kids....

So I will prevail for my family. However it ends up!! I will chose to make a stable environment for us! But let me tell you, it is hard to overcome 30 years of the same mistakes (whether I made them, or lived them through the parents).....But it can be done!!!!