Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Repeating my childhood........

I have realized that the choices I make in my life are similar to what I watched/experienced as I grew up...

My dad was an habitual cheater, struggled with addictions, and was pretty careless for my mother's feelings in general. Does this ring a bell? This is exactly like my ex/Satan!!!

No matter what my Dad did to Mom......she always took him back. I can remember her crying endlessly (she still does). They broke-up/made-up more times than I can count......It was a hard life for us kids. When he left it was awful.....Mom was mean and bitter and sad......and us kids suffered because of it. When I was older I started leaving with Dad when he moved out. So this meant I got shoved off on what ever family member at the time would keep me. I remember switching schools in 5th grade (for 2 weeks), then we went home (back to Mom's house). IT. WAS. MISERABLE......A few times me and Dad actually slept in his car. When I turned 17 I started to stay with other people.....friends, my Mamaw, my Poppy, my older sisters...etc. But I quickly realized no one wants to take care of a "stray" child. Even though this lifestyle was not my fault, I didn't feel any sympathy, only resent from the people who had to take care of me.

At 18 I got a job, got my own place, and vowed to NEVER live that way again. I could take care of myself. From that point on I was always in control, always took care of myself, always had a job and my own car. I was very independant. During this time I had on again/off again boyfriend, but I always landed back on my feet cause I controlled my finances, and had a safety net with my employment. This continued until I was 24. I met Satan....later got married.....then gave up my safety net.

I knew it was a mistake to quit my job, but I did it anyway to appease the husband.....a few months later he was gone, and this time I had 2 kids and NO NET....NO JOB.....NO PLACE TO GO.....NOTHING.
I let him steal my independence! This is why now I feel like I am free falling with no where to land, and it all seems out of my control.

Anyway, my point is.....I realize why I let Satan control my emotions, why I can't move on, love him through it all. I watched my mom do the same thing when I was growing up (my whole childhood was like this!)

My dad was a good father towards me (emotionally), but a horrible husband, provider, stable influence!! I learned the wrong lessons from my parents (especially mom).....I learned to accept the BAD and not value myself enough to want more.

With this knowledge though, I want more, I do want better for myself!! Starting college again has given me a renewed hope for higher acheivement. Not just in education, but for my life...(also both parents only went to the 9th grade). I vowed I never wanted to live the life my parents did.....and I certainly didn't want the same for my kids....

So I will prevail for my family. However it ends up!! I will chose to make a stable environment for us! But let me tell you, it is hard to overcome 30 years of the same mistakes (whether I made them, or lived them through the parents).....But it can be done!!!!


  1. Amazing what our children can inspire! You are going to make it, you are going to succeed. You are wonderful.

  2. I already sense that you are strong and smart. Life school was long and hard, but you graduated and now you know what things mean, how they work. You'll do fine.
    The children are beautiful!



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