An Update....

Ok, first I want to say this is my 100th post. Yay! I honestly had no idea what I was getting into when I started reading blogs. I just happened to find an interesting blog one day and I started reading. I had no idea that blog sites even existed (boy was I in the dark, LOL).
Anyway, one blog lead to another, and another, and another, and I got sucked into the blogosphere. I couldn't get enough of peeking into other people's lives, seeing how people were so much alike and some were so different. I learned that people from all walks of life have blogs, from the dirt poor to the well to do, and every where in between. Every one has a story. I decided to start sharing mine.

I have met some awesome friends through this blog, and I appreciate every connection I have made. Blogging gave me an outlet, a place to vent, and a place to get support. At this point I am hooked and loving it (most days).

Now on to my post. I figured out (I think) what happened to the ex... Since no one would tell me what was going on, I decided to go see for myself. I went up there on Tuesday. This is what I found out....

• The doctor's told me he was suffering from some wicked withdrawal symptoms from coming off of Xanax (which he, of course, didn't have a prescription for).
• Once they put the drugs back into his system, he was better.
• He acted normal while I was there.
• His wife came in and caught me sitting there. OMG, I could have died. I did NOT want to run into her.
• He made up a big story to tell her. He said I was there telling him he could never see the kids again, and trying to make him give me money. (I never mentioned either, I didn't want him to know my plans for keeping the kids away from him).
• He will be in the hospital for at least 4 more days.
• They are supposed to ween him off of the drugs... that doesn't mean he won't get back on them when he gets out though... and do this all over again:(
• I am still not sure if he was trying to quit the drugs or if he just ran out and couldn't find anymore, therefore he was having withdrawals.
• Now he is on another floor (the psych unit) so once again I am not allowed to call and ask about him. I can't go there now either. That floor is "locked down" so only certain people are allowed in. You have to be on a list.
• Once again I will have no idea if he is acting better or worse or if he is being psychotic.
• His wife comes to see him once a day for about 15 minutes then leaves. She could care less. (oh well).
• His wife called me this morning. She told me at least 5 lies while she was on the phone. (I still don't know what she actually wanted, besides wanting to know how long I was there), and to tell me how much she HATED him, how he was lazy, she didn't trust him or believe a word that came out of his mouth, he was a dog, she has caught him with at least 6 different women, etc. (like I care about all that? I think she is getting what she deserves. She knew all this BEFORE she married him 2.5 months ago, he has done it to her from day 1, she has caught him red handed several times)
• I honestly think she wanted SYMPATHY from me (umm did it get so cold that hell froze over last night?)
• He told me he had never met her family. I asked her about it, she said that her family was "well to do" and she was embarrassed of him. (I can't imagine being married and never wanting my family to meet my hubs. If I was embarrassed of him, I wouldn't have married him, that is CRAZY)
• She said that he had dementia. When I told her the doctor's had told me he was having withdrawals, she circled around and changed the subject.
• She told me that he wouldn't be out until after Christmas, the doctor's said he would be out in 4 days (at the most).
• This is one reason why I HATE talking to her.
• She said that he didn't have drugs in his system, the doctor's said he tested positive for opioids and benzos. When I told her that I had heard HER tell him (the ex) that the test showed he had drugs in his system, she quickly changed the subject again.
• She doesn't like to be called out in the midst of a lie, but I can't help but correct her.
• She said that her lawyer told her not to marry him because she would never get her kid back. But in the next breath she said her kids come first?? Really?
• She said that she would leave him, if it would mean getting her kid back.
• Then she said she couldn't leave because she didn't want to hurt him.
• I was getting dizzy talking to her. Someone.please.make.it.stop.... ROFL
• I am thankful that I heard what was really going on, with the ex's condition, out of the doctor's mouth though. No one would have ever told me the truth.

I had no interest in talking to his wife, I mean NONE. But I couldn't just hang up on her. I did learn some fun facts though. It seems as though they hate each other now.... Or she hates him. Men always want what they can't have.

*KARMA IS A MEAN B*TCH!!!

OMG! Someone please HELP me!!

This is going to be a long, weird post! The only way I know how to explain what is going on is to just write it all out... Please read and comment. I need friends now, more than ever!

You all are not going to believe this. I am still in total shock myself.... Just let me preface this by saying that yesterday a few hours before it was time for the kids to be picked up, the ex's mother left me a message saying he was sick and would not be picking them up. I felt a little uneasy because he has always called me himself, no matter what, so I wondered why he was having his Mom do the dirty work. I hate to say this now, but I figured he was in jail. I figured that the law had finally caught up with him.

The sad truth though: My ex-husband has lost his mind, and I mean literally!! Please don't think I am joking, I am dead serious. He is at the hospital with a guard surrounding him 24/7. The worst part is, no one felt the need to tell me. You wanna know how I found out? He called me at 6:23 this morning. He was "not right" to say the very least. He kept telling me these crazy stories about his new wife. He said that she, and his 2 older sons, were all "in it together," that they had locked him away so she could strip the house and steal his money, said she had already spent 100K  Knowing her character, I thought it sounded feasible.....

Until he kept talking, he was talking really fast, saying I needed to come and get him. He said that his wife and his 2 older sons took him to a place and left him, he said they were all "in it together" and trying to make people think he was crazy so they could steal his money and strip the house. It sounded a little weird but knowing his kids (thugs!) and her, I believed it.  He said he had been tied up all weekend, then locked up because they had made up lies about him. He then said that he needed a ride so he could get home, said he was at a church, then later he said that he was at the old elementary school.

I was seriously thinking that something was up. Then he started going on and on about crazy stuff. He said that his wife was too stupid to do it, so she had me and my sister get in on it with her. He said that we set up a thing on the computer for pizza coupons. Every time someone clicked on the coupon it would take his money. He said I got 400K, my sis got 700K, and his wife got 300K. Then he asked me what number to call me at and he said my cell phone number and his wife's cell phone number, and he said, "which one do you want?" I asked him what he was talking about and he said, "you know, in case things go down, which one do you want to shoot?" I asked him why we would want to shoot someone, then he said, "the police are chasing her for stealing cattle." He went on and on about crazy stuff for about 30 minutes, then he said he had to go, but he would call me in about 1.5 hours and I had to go pick him up because I was all he had left, no one else would help him.

I sat there stunned for about 10 minutes. I thought maybe his wife had told him all these things to upset him, or The BF told me to call the ex's mom to find out what was going on. At that point, we thought maybe his wife and his boys had fed him something to mess him up and dropped him somewhere.

Anyway, I called his mom. She confirmed that yes, he was in the hospital, and yes he has lost his mind. She was telling me about all the crazy things he was saying. She said that he had torn a hole in the wall because he thought my baby girl was stuck in the wall. I could tell she was choking back tears. She also said that she didn't want to tell me, she said she just couldn't tell me yesterday.

A few hours later, I called back the number he had called me from and he answered the phone. I was hoping, praying that he would be better.... He was worse! This time he was telling even crazier stories. He said that he woke up the other night and his wife had a butcher knife between her teeth and she was burning a cigarette into her hand. Then he said that she (and his sons) had people messing with his head. He said that they were crawling up in the ceiling, then shining a flashlight into his eyes. Then he said that they were all laughing at him, and when he came into the room, they would get all quiet. He also said that he snuck down the hallway to spy on them and he saw them cooking in the kitchen with rat poison. He said that they took all the dog food out of the box and just put a bunch of bowls in there to mess with him. Then they were cooking the poison to feed the dogs and cat, blame him, and make him look crazy. He said that all the stove burners were on 98 degrees and there was boxes and boxes of rat poison everywhere. Then he starts going on about an anecdote, said there was only 4 doses of it in the entire world and he had to pick who lived or died. He said that there was my kids, and his sons' 2 babies, then he said he had to tell his son, "sorry your little baby didn't make it." Then he said he was going to tell the doctor that his sons had testicular cancer, to fix them they needed to "give them 1/2 of a pain pill and de-nut them bastards." then he said they were laying there, in the bed asleep, like a little prince and princess, and they wouldn't get up to help him, said he never could get them to do anything. Then he said, "I guess they will have to get the fatty cow, or hog and roll out the barbecue sauce, I just don't know what else to tell them."

OMG what a mess! I didn't even think about it until I was talking to my Mom, but she told me that people use rat poison to make crystal meth. Maybe that is what he was talking about when he said they were cooking rat poison? Maybe he took it and it messed him up for life? I have heard stories about people doing drugs one time and then they are never the same! I have seen people around town who we called "crazy" because they were old druggies who had lost their mind. I remember this one woman from when I was a kid that we called "crazy Mary," she would walk up and down the streets of town with bright red boots, waving at people, talking to herself, and sometimes standing in the middle of the road flagging down cars.  I would ask my parents what was wrong with her and they would tell me she took some bad drugs that made her lose her mind. I remember her 2 young daughters that I went to school with. Other people in their family had to raise them. They were always embarrassed of her.

I don't know what to do. Really, there isn't anything I can do. I feel guilty for always bitching about how awful he was, I feel guilty about wishing bad things to happen to him, I feel guilty about not helping him sooner. I have always thought that he needed an intervention. Someone who cares about him to make him get off the drugs and get help. I wondered why I was the only one that cared... I mean why didn't his family help him when they saw him spiraling out of control?

I am in shock and disbelief! I know he and I had a love/hate relationship. I hated the way he acted, but deep down I still remember the good man he once was. Part of me will always love him, he is the father of my children. How will I ever explain to them what is wrong with him, or why they can't see him? If he doesn't get better, I will never be able to let them go around him (I know they can never go anywhere with him again anyway), even supervised, they would not understand why he was talking and acting so crazy. Another thing, which I don't want to think about.... If he doesn't get better, he won't be able to help me take care of them. No child support or anything. But, I don't want to talk about money! I would give all of that up for him to get better. I am not heartless, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Is there any hope? Have you ever known anyone to recover from this type of thing? My Mom and Sister are less than sympathetic, but I don't feel like anyone deserves this misery!!

It is EXHAUSTING!

Being a mother is exhausting, that is! To me, being a mother is the hardest job there is. It can be rewarding at times, but the norm (around here) is 90/10 frustration/enjoyment. I constantly worry about everything. Most days I feel totally frazzled! I used to be so clean and tidy. I used to get up on my days off and clean my house from top to bottom. Now it is like I am chasing my own tail, nothing ever gets completed, it is never caught up. I am cleaning up after 4 of us now, not just me. There aren't enough hours in the day to get to it all either. You would think on my days at home I would be busy as a little bee cleaning, organizing, baking. HA! Most days I am cleaning, but it is different. I am cleaning up spills, potty accidents, picking food out of the carpet, picking up toys. Or I am making lunch, fetching juice and snacks, breaking up fights, settling arguments, calming a screaming toddler that fell down or bumped their head. All the other duties get pushed aside.

I sometimes laugh when I think back to a time, before kids. People with kids seemed so uptight. I would say things like, "I will never let my kids do that. I will be better than that. I will do this, that, or the other." Now days..... I am THAT parent. The one wanting a break, the one letting the kids eat in the car or in the living room, giving in to their demands, letting them run amuck. LOL! I used to get so mad at my brother in law when he would say, "you don't have kids, you don't understand." But he was so right! I didn't have a damn clue. You know what they say? Hind sight is 20/20. If I had known then what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have been so judgemental. But sometimes it takes doing something yourself before you "get it."

I guess this whole post idea came about tonight when I looked around and it looked like a TORNADO had blown through our whole house. There were dishes in the sink, laundry piled up (clean but not folded and put away), TOYS EVERYWHERE!

Tell me how to do it? What is the secret? How do you keep it together?

Making some homemade gifts....

What? Three posts in a row? I am on a roll!

Anyway, after the kiddos went to bed, I decided to start (or finish up) making my homemade gifts. I like to have something on hand for anyone I might see during the Holidays.....

I started canning some things a few weeks ago. Apple pie filling and some WONDERFUL (way better than store bought.. my Dad already ran through 2 jars w/i a week) Apple butter!

Then tonight I made some yummy, no bake cookies. Actually it turned out more like "spoon candy" but it still tasted great (we'll see after it has time to set up).

Last, but not least, I made some BATH SALTS. It is so easy to make, it is pretty, cheap, and it relaxes you when you take a bath! I hope my peeps will love it.

And so these jars look more enticing. I am going to attach a ribbon and a tag to each one with the following info:

Candy Cane~peppermint oil~The fresh scent of peppermint oil can energize a person instantly. It provides oxygen to the blood, enhances mental clarity, dispels tiredness, improves circulation, concentration, focus, and mental sharpness. Also has been proven to relieve congestion AND migraine headaches!

Winter Blues~almond oil~emollient properties of almond oil are ideal because they can help the skin regain a balance of moisture, even in the driest of times.

Orangesicle~orange oil~is used in aromatherapy to create the feeling of happiness and warmth, while calming nervous digestive problems. It deals very well with colds and flu, eliminates toxins and stimulates the lymphatic system. Therapeutic properties of orange oil are antiseptic, anti-depressant, antispasmodic, anti-inflammatory, diuretic, and sedative.

John Deere~banana oil~It is known as intestinal soothing, it stimulates the appetite and digestive functions. The aroma of bananas was found to be the most popular aroma. Spas are the only ones that know about the great beauty benefits of bananas. The Taiwano Indians use heated extract of banana as regular softening scalp treatments.

P.S. I am loving my new video camera. It took these lovely photos. It has a(n?) USB arm attached to it. All I have to do is, take a pic, hook to computer, download, upload to site. AWESOME. Also, this normally wouldn't be a good thing... But it is only 5MP, so it uploads pictures so much faster than the 10.1 MP digital SLR camera I have! Granted the pics are a tad different, but who cares. Not me.

Have a great weekend!!!

Cardboard People.....

Today, while at home with the kids, I started reading up on "indoor activities to do with toddlers." I came across an idea. It said to save old cardboard boxes to create cars, trains, castles, dollhouses, etc.

Since I have been ordering so much crap stuff online, I had an abundance of boxes on hand. So we made a castle, complete with 4 cardboard people (with clothes even! please ignore the "Mommie" with no hair, and a hot pink mini skirt).

I actually was trying to make a train and the little people started screaming, "a castle, a castle!" ROFL, at least I did try, and I did spend some quality time in the floor with the tots.

So without further ado, I give you "the castle" and the "cardboard people."

I get so excited over new things.....

This year I did what a lot of people have been doing... I did ALL (OK, most) of my shopping online. It was SO great to not have to fight those crowds, drag the kids out into the cold, pay higher prices, etc. I simply pulled a chair up to the computer and BAM! (like Emeril would say), I was D.U.N. done. I was actually A-mazed at some of the deals I found.....

I ended up buying both kids a Leapster 2 (one of each color). I got these for $32, they are $50. at the store:)

And they had to have some games for said system. So I found 12 games for $7 a piece, they are $24.99 at the store.

I also got them a charger (so I wouldn't have to keep buying batteries). The chargers were $26.99, plus an extra 10% off. So that makes them.... $24.30... They are $36.99 at the store.

Then I got the kiddos a DVD player (came with free movie) for $59.00. One blue, one pink. 

The movies that came with these things were Disney "Cars" and "Bolt." 

Then there was the digital cameras. The blue one was on sale Black Friday at Wal-Mart for $19, it is originally $34.99.

And finally the BIG present was the Trampoline (also from Black Friday). It was $165, everything included. It is $247. at the store normally.

I had to get myself some things too of course.

I can not tell you how happy I am about my new BOOTS! They are SO warm (I feel like I am wearing house slippers, but without the guilt, LOL). I actually went to a shoe store to get these puppies. They were buy 1, get 1 half off, so I HAD to get 2 pairs, RIGHT?

My PAULA DEEN pans came yesterday. The 2 of them were on sale for DIRT CHEAP, seriously!! The big, black, cast iron pot cost me 30 bucks! This Mammy Hopper costs $109.99 normally! The red one, which is only slightly smaller was $23.99!! I looked on another website and the cheapest I saw it was $65. The sticker on it when it arrived said $89.99. This is my happiest find!! I was planning on getting these pans anyway (since I do all the Holiday cooking for the family), but now I didn't have to spend an arm and a leg! The only bad thing.... I had to get RED! My plan was to collect all of the BLUE ones:( Oh well, for that price, I can start on the red collection.

This little beaut on the left is the Zi8. It is one of those pocket camcorder thingys. I read all the reviews and picked it because of the rave reviews people gave it for its clear videos. And "they" said it worked better than most in low light (like indoors where I am 24/7), I knew most of my videos would be shot in the living room while the little people are running around half nekkid, ROFL! 

Not sure how this thing works just yet.... I am still trying to figure it out. I tried to plug it up to the TV and it kept turning itself off????? 

And last, but not least, the BF got a new toy too! He got a TV to take to work with him. He works at a farm, mostly outside, but they have a little office/break room type deal where he goes to get warm, hide relax, and eat lunch. When the last guy who worked there got laid off he took his little 13" TV with him, lol.

I will get the BF some more stuff later. It is just SO hard buying for him because he doesn't want anything. I want him to have something to open on Christmas morning though, and he said the same about me (wants me to open something). But other than that, we are done shopping. We both agree that it is mainly about the kids, and seeing them be happy!!

I did go a little overboard on the kids presents (?maybe not to some?), but I felt horrible because last year, I couldn't afford to get them anything (thankfully they were too little to understand, and my family had gotten them things that we had at our house for them to open Christmas morning). Also, some of the things I got them, I feel like are more of an "investment" for years to come (like the trampoline, that will be used for years), and the other gifts were aimed to keep them occupied (while home with me during the day, *smiles) for more than 2 seconds.

Tell me what you think is a "normal" about of money to spend on a) your kids b) your spouse (BF, GF, partner, significant other, ball and chain, your better half) c) your relatives.... I just wonder how others celebrate, how they view the whole present exchange.

*I am not doing a "review" for anyone... I am just sharing my personal shopping list.

Home with the kids

Well, since the babysitter quit, I have had to reevaluate some things... I got my new schedule from school and I have class 3 days a week. 2 out of these 3 days my kids are with the big Satan, so I don't have to worry about making arrangements for who will be watching them. The 3rd day (thankfully) falls on a day in which my Mom is off work (well, most of the time). So I decided to NOT hire another sitter. I keep the kids home with me on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays.

You may be thinking that this sounds *normal* or like an ideal situation. Don't most Moms watch their own kids when they are home?? Well, normally I haven't been that type of Mom!! My kids have always went to a sitter up until now, so them being home with me ALL DAY for 3 days in a row, SCARES ME!

All this panic started when my 2nd child came along... I experienced a crippling case of post-partum depression. I mean, it.was.bad. I was home with 2 crying infants for 12 weeks on maternity leave, and I could barely handle it. I felt isolated, trapped, and ill equipped to say the least. I had no energy, no drive, I cried all the time. I jumped at the chance to go back to work when my leave was over.

Fast forward a month later. I was back at work, but things weren't getting better. I felt guilty for working, I felt like I needed to be home with my kids. I thought things would be easier if I could focus on ONE thing, instead of being torn between work and home. So, I took an extended medical leave from my job. I started being home with the babies again. This time they were 4 and 15 months old. OMG, times were tough! I hit rock bottom again. It got so bad that some days when the ex got home, all 3 of us (me + 2 babies) were still in our jammies, or they were just in a diaper. He would chastise me. I would cry and try to explain to him that it was all I could do to get through the day. It was a vicious cycle of crying, changing diapers, feeding bottles, cleaning, cooking, entertaining fussy babies, it felt like it was too hard. (NOTE: at this point I went to the doctor, got diagnosed and was put on medication which made me a lot better). This went on for 4 months. I finally called my job and told them I would be back the following week.

I went back to work and I flourished! I was happier, the kids were well taken care of (my Mom was our Nanny), and the husband seemed to take more interest in me. I loved working, it gave me a purpose to live. I got a "high" from accomplishing goals, doing things for other people, having adult interaction:) But, this situation didn't last long. Once I was back at work I started to notice strange things that my husband was doing.... He was drinking more, hanging out at people's houses that were known drug dealers. Then I found out he was cheating (this was the 1st time I caught him). I left him! I packed the kids up and moved back to my hometown (30 minutes away). I worked, paid my own bills, took care of the kids... He gave me some money, but basically I did it on my own. He was beside himself because I didn't need him, he begged me to come back. I finally caved and went back.

He promised it would be different. He asked me to quit my job and focus on our marriage and the kids. I told him I didn't think it would be a good idea because of how I felt the last time I was stuck at home. He said it would all be ok. He said I could go to work with him and help out and we would still have a sitter. I finally agreed to his request and I QUIT my job! There was no going back this time. I started going to work with him every day. This lasted all of about 1.5 months. Then he started coming up with excuses as to why the kids couldn't go to the sitter's and I had to stay home with them. I was home with the kids sometimes 15 HOURS A DAY, by myself, and when he was home he didn't help AT ALL. He was under the impression that a father didn't change diapers, feed, bathe, or entertain the babies, that was "the mother's job." It was too hard for me to pack both of them up and take them anywhere, it was cold outside, the baby had asthma and stayed sick all the time. SO, the cycle started all over again, the depression, the isolation, the feeling of being trapped... Then I found out he was cheating (for the 2nd time). This was the reason he wanted me home with the kids. So he could run around with his girlfriend and I wouldn't catch him. He knew if I didn't have a job, income, or LIFE I would have no idea what he was doing (since I would be in a depressed fog!) and if I did find out, I couldn't leave because I wouldn't have any money.

Anyway, so I ended up leaving anyway, for good this time! We all know that story.

To make a long story shorter (I know it is long already), being home with the kids again scares the shit out of me! I am so afraid of falling deeper into depression. It is UGLY to be in some of the dark holes I have been in. I do not take care of my kids like they deserve (when I am depressed), I yell at them, I get aggravated really easy, I just can't find any motivation when I get that way.

My point is: I hope this time I can be a good SAHM! I am trying really hard to be the mother that my kids need. I am not cut out to do it, so I have to work at it. In a few years they will be in school, so this is my last chance to give it a go and make the best of it. I want my kids to remember a fun Mommie, a loving, happy Mommie, not a Monster that I used to feel like back then.

I hope you all can understand what I am talking about.... feeling this way is not a choice I make, I have no control over the depression I feel. I can only try to hold it off and stop it before it starts!

Do any of you have a similar story? Have you overcome this type of depression? What are some things you do with your kids to entertain or distract them so as to not get overwhelmed?? Please share:)